What if Pride & Prejudice Were a Doris Day Movie?*

* With gratitude and apologies to Stanley Shapiro, Paul Henning, Nate Monaster, Russell Rouse, Maurice Richlin, and Clarence Greene, who among them wrote the brilliant scripts for 3 of the most delightful movies ever made - Pillow Talk, Lover Come Back, and That Touch of Mink - and to all the superlative actors who appeared in them, and everyone who worked behind the scenes; and of course, to Jane Austen. Thanks also to my sister for giving me this idea and contributing many great lines. Warning: If you're not a Doris Day obsessive as well as a Jane Austen obsessive, you won't get it! 

Mr Bennet:

'Here in the comfort and security of my Longbourn library, I am serenely happy and content - and I have the companionship of the one person worthy of my company: myself.'

Mrs Bennet:

'If I ever get on my feet again - look out.'

Bingley and Darcy at the Meryton ball:

Darcy: 'She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me.'

Bingley: 'She has character.'

Darcy: 'She's a menace.'

Miss Bingley after the party at Lucas Lodge:

'Never again will I agree to associate myself with that dull, insipid little group called Meryton society.'

Mr Collins:

'Elizabeth, why won't you marry me ? I'm young, I'm rich, I'm healthy, I'm good looking - I'm very good looking.'

Charlotte Lucas:

'When a girl gets to be my age and still isn't married, you either marry Mr Collins, or you get arrested.' 

Wickham on Darcy's character:

'I prefer to reserve judgment - until I've seen him civil.'

Wickham on his own character:

'I have a code by which I live - and I told this to Darcy: Veritas et robitas... super omnia.'

Elizabeth's prejudiced opinion of Darcy: 

'Despicable man!'

Jane Bennett to Elizabeth about Darcy:

'Elizabeth, do you know you're condemning him without even knowing him? - I don't want to hear another word against him, I really don't...' 

Darcy persuading Bingley to give up Jane:

'Before you give 'em the country estate, they all talk a big game...'

Lady Catherine giving Mrs Collins advice on her conjugal duties: 

'It's like olives, dear - you have to acquire a taste for it.'

Elizabeth to herself, after finding out Darcy is responsible for separating Bingley from her sister (with increasing intensity of anger):

'Ooh. Ooh! OOH!!!'

Elizabeth to Mr Darcy after his first proposal: 

'I would enjoy marrying you, Mr Darcy - if I just didn't find you so personally distasteful. You're a rude, arrogant, offensive man. Of course, that's just how I feel. I'm sure there are hundreds of girls in this kingdom who... admire those qualities?'

Jane Bennet to Lydia on her departure for Brighton:

'Enjoy yourself... I think.'

Mrs Reynolds, the housekeeper at Pemberley, on Mr Wickham:

'Some guys ride the mail coach pinching girls, he works out of a curricle - but a pincher is a pincher!'

Mr Darcy to himself when he meets Elizabeth again at Pemberley:

'How you gonna get on friendly terms with that?!'

Elizabeth and Darcy at Pemberley:

Elizabeth: 'You know, out here in the country, you're very different.'

Darcy: 'I reckon I feel more at home here.'

Miss Bingley to Elizabeth at Pemberley:

'When the order came through from Mr Darcy to invite you to Pemberley, it was like Panicsville. I mean, have you ever seen a herd of Derbyshire servants stampede?'

Mrs Gardiner and Elizabeth after spending the day at Pemberley:

Mrs Gardiner: 'Don't just stand there making with the toast - go get him! Ten thousand pounds per annum of opportunity doesn't come along every day.'

Elizabeth: 'Oh, Aunt Gardiner - I hardly know the man!'

Mrs Gardiner: 'Takes only one sip of wine to tell if it's a good bottle.'

Elizabeth: 'This is a good bottle.'

Mrs Gardiner: 'What are you waiting for? Drink up!'

Colonel Forster observing Wickham & Lydia at Brighton:

'I don't know what he's upta, but I'm sure glad she ain't my daughter.'

Lydia persuading Wickham to take her with him when he leaves Brighton:

Lydia: 'We're not unsophisticated rustics, you know. Meryton may not be as large as London, but we're just as progressive. Why, last year we had a scandal at the Assembly Rooms....'

Wickham: 'I'm sure it's a zippy little community.'

Lydia: 'Things are hoppin' up there!'

Wickham: 'I'm sure Meryton is a delightful place to be brought up in, but it hardly prepares a girl for this kind of situation.'

Lydia: 'I can see you don't know the girls from Meryton - we're always prepared... Will I be hearing from you then?'

Wickham: 'Just as soon as I can make all the arrangements.'

Lydia: 'Thank you.'

Wickham: 'Thank you.'

And in the carriage en route:

Lydia: 'I've never seen a man with so many arms before!'

Wickham: 'Lydia - you're so primitive!'

And later:

Lydia: 'What kind of good-night kiss is that? We're not married!'

When news of the elopement reaches Lambton:

Mr Gardiner: 'It seems in order to issue a bench warrant for his arrest.'

Elizabeth: 'And if he resists - gun him down!'

Mr Bennet enquiring after the elopers at all the principal inns in town:

Mr Bennet: 'Did a couple just stop here from Brighton? A blonde about so high?'

Innkeeper: 'Are you a friend of the happy couple?'

Mr Bennet: 'I gave the bride away!'

Darcy trying to persuade Wickham to marry Lydia:

'To take a girl like that to London is a desecration of everything Nelson fought for at Trafalgar!'

Darcy to Anne de Bourgh:

'Dear - I wanted you to be the first to know. I've met this girl - I've fallen in love - and I'm getting married... Oh, nonsense, dear - you have everything to live for!'

When Wickham returns to Netherfield after marrying Lydia:

Elizabeth: 'You are not gonna nibble your way out of this one, Mr Wickham!'  

Wickham: 'Okay, so I've sown a few wild oats - '

Elizabeth: 'A few! you could qualify for a farm loan! - I've never belted a lieutenant before...'

Bingley to Darcy on Elizabeth:

'I once saw you snub three sisters at the same time, and you came up with some of your best witticisms. Now why all of a sudden does one girl make you feel guilty? Well what do you know - you're in love! The mighty tree has been toppled!'

Lady Catherine and Darcy: 

Lady C: 'You're in love. And she can't stand the sight of you. It's wonderful, that's what it is - wonderful.'

 Darcy: 'Tell me how I can win her back.' 

Lady C: 'You can't. That's the beauty of it. You suffer, and I watch.'

Elizabeth asking herself why Darcy came back to Longbourn only to be silent, grave, and indifferent:

'Maybe you just don't appeal to him.'

Elizabeth to Darcy after his second proposal:

'We can't get married - I have problems. I'm inhibited... And I've got an uncle who lives in Cheapside!'

Darcy's reply:

'I respect you for telling me - but what we have transcends all class distinctions.'

Mrs Bennet:

'This is no time to argue! Get married first, then fight!'

Miss Bingley:

'I'm glad one of us girls made it.'

Fade out with Elizabeth singing, 

'Hold me tight, 
And kiss me right, 
I'm yours tonight - 
My darling, possess me...'