IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of nine and eleven a.m. daily.

IN A YUGOSLAV HOTEL:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN MONASTERY:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN:
Special today: no ice cream.

ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

ALONGSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

AT A BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP:
Dresses for street walking.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

AT A RHODES TAILOR SHOP:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

FROM THE SOVIET WEEKLY:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

IN A ZURICH HOTEL:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONG KONG DENTIST:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

IN A ROME LAUNDRY:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

AT THE OFFICE OF A ROME DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

AT AN ACAPULCO HOTEL:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

AT A TOKYO SHOP:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

IN A TOKYO BAR:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM:
If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

IN FRONT OF A NEW HAMPSHIRE RESTAURANT:
Now serving live lobsters.

ON THE MENU OF A NEW JERSEY RESTAURANT:
Blackened bluefish

IN THE WINDOW OF A NEW JERSEY RESTAURANT:
Open seven days a week and weekends.

ON THE WALLS OF A BALTIMORE ESTATE:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy

ON A NEW MEXICO DRY CLEANING STORE:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

IN A NEW YORK DRUGSTORE:
We dispense with accuracy.

IN A NEW YORK MEDICAL BUILDING:
Mental Health Prevention Center

ON A NEW YORK CONVALESCENT HOME:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church

IN A TACOMA, WASHINGTON CLOTHING STORE:
15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!

IN A MASSACHUSETTS PARKING AREA RESERVED FOR BIRDWATCHERS:
Parking for birds only.

IN THE VESTRY OF A NEW ENGLAND CHURCH:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

IN A NEW HAMPSHIRE JEWELRY STORE:
Ears pierced while you wait.

IN A NEW YORK RESTAURANT:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

A SIGN IN AN ASIAN SEAFOOD STORE IN MADISON, WISCONSIN:
Crap - .79/lb.

IN A FLORIDA MATERNITY WARD:
No children allowed.

IN THE OFFICES OF A CALIFORNIA LOAN COMPANY:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

IN A PENNSYLVANIA CEMETARY:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

ON A TENNESSEE HIGHWAY:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

IN FRONT OF A NEW HAMPSHIRE CAR WASH:
If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car.

ON A MAINE SHOP:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Wanted: 50 girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale -- Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up an save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go anywhere else to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find-person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will take care of your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.