Excuse me, but is your lap taken?

Pushing the bounds of socially acceptable behavior

This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

This short story is presented for personal entertainment only. Commercial and all other use is expressly prohibited.

(c) 2011-2017 Robert Horseman, All rights reserved.

“Excuse me, but is your lap taken?” I glanced up from my normal commuter stupor, and gazed into a young lady’s pleading mascara eyes. The subway car was packed, and she was one of many who had nothing to hold on to. The swaying motion of the car and the tightly packed bodies pushed her around like a rag doll in a dog’s mouth. The question took me aback. I said, “Well no, but…” “Look mister, I can either fall on you the next time this tin can hits a bowed rail, or you can just let me sit on your lap. I‘m not heavy. Which will it be?” She glared at me, her mouth set in a thin line. My mind seized in indecision. Who behaves like this? I don’t know this woman, and she’s proposing some rather intimate contact. I suppose I should just give her my seat, but she is awfully cute with her short black hair and all-business attitude. “Well I suppose…” She didn’t let me finish the sentence. She turned and lowered her posterior towards my lap. Time seemed to crawl as I watched her beautiful derriere descend. She was halfway down when the car swayed violently and she fell backwards onto me, her arms wind-milling for anything to grab onto. I shoved my hands into my lap for protection. Her left hand clipped my ear as she landed like a sack of concrete. The intense pain in my ear and groin made my eyes water. She said, “Damn heels. Sorry about that.” She must have heard the slight whimper coming through my clenched jaws, and looked around at me. Her eyes widened in alarm. “Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” In a hoarse voice I said, “Fine. If you’ll just shift your purse from between us, I’ll be a lot better.” She took some weight off me, yanked the purse out, and sat back down. “Ohhh,” I mumbled. “Please be a bit gentler. I want to have children someday.” She brightened, “Really, me too. My name’s Anna, by the way.” She twisted halfway around and put out her hand. I pulled one protecting hand up from my groin, and we shook in the confined space like tiny-armed T-rexes. “I’m Greg, and I don’t usually cry when meeting women for the first time. It’s just the pain.” She smiled. “I finally meet a man who can actually take it like a man, and I’ve ruined him for life. Such a pity.” “The only pity would be if you didn’t make it up to me.” A large middle-aged woman sitting next to me with a pile of purchases glanced over and rolled her eyes at us. She curled her upper lip and said, “Get a room.” Anna gaped at the woman and sneered back, “Ma’am, if you weren’t taking up two seats we’d have plenty of room.” The woman’s lower jaw flopped open, and she stood in a huff and waddled her way through the crowd. A wave of clapping went through the train car, and Anna sat down next to me in the vacated seat. I asked, “Is this your usual pick-up method?” She smiled crookedly and said, “Not hardly. I had a horrible day, and my feet were killing me. Whoever invented high heels as a fashion statement should be shot. I’m sorry if I, ah, damaged you.” The brakes squealed and a crackly voice came over the loudspeaker, “Carnation Station. Exiting to your left. Watch your step please.” Anna stood up and managed to find a handhold on the nearest pole for support. “This is my stop. It was nice meeting you Greg.” A wave of panic came over me. “Wait…do you have any dinner plans for tonight? I know we just met, but it seems a shame to leave it like this.” As the subway car lurched to a stop, she said, “Yes, I do have plans.” The doors slid open and a rush of commuters swept out. When most were gone I saw that she still stood there, her smiling face turned toward me. “Well, are you coming?”

•••••The End •••••