A Dictionary of Noziam Terms
Now with 62 entries!
Bird Salad (BERD SAL id) :
Turkey salad. Example use: Are you hungry for a bird
salad
sandwich?
Boo Season (BOO see zin) :
Halloween. Example use: Are you looking forward to
Boo
Season?
Boo Shop (BOO shop) : Store or store department where Halloween
stuff is sold. Example
use:
Have you checked out the boo shop in Wal-Mart?
Chest Wrap (chest rap) : A
sheet around 2-3 feet wide and is used to wrap snugly around a
person's
chest and possibly the arms. It can be used for comfort and/or as a
"mummy
restraint." While it may be tempting to pull it kind of
tight around the
chest,
extreme caution should be used in order to allow normal
breathing. The
sheet
should go all the way around a person at least once and may be
secured
with
tape, or the person may just lie down, and gravity will cause
natural friction
needed
to hold the thing snug around the chest. Click HERE to see ME in a
chest
wrap! Example use: You
wanna wear a nice chest wrap?
Chipology (chip OL o jee) :
The study of integrated circuits. Example use: In college, I studied
a
fair amount of chipology.
Christian Massage (KRIST yen mezh OJ)
: A massage given out of Christian love for a person.
These
massages are done without sexual intention, and clothing is
usually not
removed.
Example use: What you need is a
Christian massage once and a while!
Clogged Pipe Syndrome(klogd PIPE SIN drome) : A mental disorder where the mind is so
choked
full of stress and turmoil that the person CAN'T "get it out"
or not easily.
In such cases, counseling may be
necessary. At first, "bits and pieces" may come
out,
often when the person is in tears. As "bits and pieces"
come out, it gets
easier
for more of the "crap" to come out. Counseling can aid in
this process.
Example
use: Yesterday, he was suffering from a severe case of
clogged pipe
syndrome.
Crack (krak) : Reese's
peanut-butter eggs (available around Easter). Example
use: I'm in the
mood
for some crack!
Crack Season (KRAK sez en) :
Time of year when Reese's Peanut-butter eggs are available
(around
Easter).. Example use: Have you been enjoying
crack season this year?
Crap Can (KRAP kan) : Garbage can. Example use: Don't forget to empty the crap can.
Crap City (KRAP SIT ee) : A
bathroom with two or more toilets or at least one toilet and a
urinal.
Two or more people can do their "business" at once in such a
facility.
Example
use: I need to exit off at Crap City!
Crap House (KRAP hous) : Bathroom. Example use: I need to go to the crap house!
Curved Pipe Syndrome (KERVD PIPE SIN drome) : A physical phenomenon where if a
person
drinks a lot of water or water-based products, he or she will
have to
urinate
a lot 2-4 days later. Example use: It appears that you have
curved
pipe
syndrome!
Dead Boy (DED boi) : An
ideal "brand" of animal poison for putting overgrown puppies and
overgrown
kittens to sleep--FOREVER! Example use: I need get some Dead Boy
poison
in order to put that darn overgrown puppy to sleep!
Fall (fol) : The
season after Summer and before Winter. It is a season of
relief and hope--relief
from a hot and humid Summer and hope
for a snowy Winter!
Example use: I'm
looking
forward to seeing Jack Roast get his rear end beaten this Fall!
Four-Legged Eyesore (foor LEG ed I soor):
Any animal that has four legs, moves around on its
own,
and is depressing to look at. This is particularly true
with overgrown puppies
and
kittens. Example use: I'd like to get rid of that
four-legged eyesore!
Goldencrap Syndrome (GOLD en krap SIN
drome): Goldenhar's
syndrome. Goldenhar's syn-
drome
is a congenital disorder that often causes severe facial
deformities and
possibly
more. I can do much better
without this darn Goldencrap syndrome!
German Devil (JER min DEV ool) :
A dog that looks like a German Shepherd, but is mean toward
people
and/or property. They also have invisible horns. If
the horns could be seen
and
felt, they would look like this.
Example use: This German Devil does a PRO-
FESSIONAL
job at making life miserable!
Grandma Start
(GRAND mo start) : An easy attempt to start a gas lawnmower,
weed whacker,
chainsaw,
or leaf vac, such as a typical grandma might do. This
makes a good test
to
see if a starter is really good. Example use: This mower can be started
even with
a
grandma start!
Grave Yard Special (GRAVE yard SPECH ool) : Any object
that is no longer usable, particularly
burnt-out
light bulbs. The reason why they are called this is
because such objects work
just
as well in a grave yard where there is no electrical power or
whatever. To see a
sample light fixture with three grave yard specials in it, click
here.
Example use: This
light
fixture has a couple of grave yard specials in it!
Gurney (GERN ee) : A stretcher. See Stretcher.
Hell (hel) : ICU
(Intensive Care Unit). Please note that the ventilator may
be the "hottest fire" in
Hell. Example use: I
don't wanna go back to Hell!
Horse Crap (HORS krap) :
Homework. Example use:
Too much horse crap is bad for your
health.
House of Loneliness (HOUS ove LONE lee nis) : A house whose residents suffer from
lack of
good
company and are forced to endure months or years of loneliness.
Example
use:
I am tired of living in a house of loneliness.
Hypersnowism (HI
per
SNOE iz em) : A condition
where a person suffers from excessive
snow
or the perception of it. Example
use:
I think he has a bad case of hyper-
snowism!
Hyposnowism (HI
po
SNOE
iz em) : A condition where a
person suffers from a lack of
snow
or perceives a lack of it. Example
use:
I think he has a bad case of hypo-
snowism!
Jack Can (jak
kan): A more "personal" name given
to a Jackson cannula (used in some trache-
ostomy
patients). Example
use: I'm ready to say good-bye to Jack Can (meaning
that
I'm about to get rid of my Jackson cannula).
Jack Roast (jak
roste): An antonym for Jack
Frost. It is commonly used to call hot weather or
any
environment uncomfortably hot to be in. Example use: I've HAD IT with Jack
Roast!
Jeopardy (JEP er dee) : One of the worst regularly scheduled TV shows
on network TV. Example
use:
Do you really need to be watching that darn Jeopardy six days a
week?
Lono (LO no): An acronym that stands for Land Of No
Opportunity. This is usually used to refer
to
an economically depressed area, such as the northern panhandle
of West Virginia.
Example use: Living in Lono can be
depressing.
Microchaff: (MI kro chaf): A new name given to Microsoft when they
release SEVERELY buggy
software,
and charging a fortune for it. This is a severe version of
quote "Microshaft."
Example use: Are you having a lot of
problems with Microchaff's Windows XP?
Microshaft: (MI kro shaft): A new name given to Microsoft for
releasing lots of buggy software,
and
often charging a fortune for it. See Microchaff. Example use: Have you ever
tried
Microshaft's Windows Me?
Mid-Term Crap (MID term krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs in the
middle of an
illness,
such as a cold or flu. There may be one or more of these.Example use: This
appears
to be the pre-crap.
Montgomery Cannon (mont GUM er ee CAN en): See Montgomery Cannula below.
Montgomery Cannula (mont GUM er ee CAN yue luh): A cannula that is well suited for people with
sleep
apnea that requires a tracheostomy.. They also make a nice
hidden "gun." If you
have
one of these installed in you, just place a long swab with the
cotton end facing into
your
neck. Make SURE that it is too long to toward downward
into your trachea. Now
just
put your finger over the opening, look at your enemy, and build
up pressure in your
lungs.
When ready to fire, just quickly remove your finger, and your
enemy has had it!
To
see what a Montgomery cannula looks like, click here. Example use: I don't need a
gun
to shoot my enemies; I got my Montgomery cannula ready to fire!
Modern Dark Ages (MOD ern DARK aj iz): A period of time which seemed to have started
at
around
1981 A.D. and is continuing. This MAY continue until the
end of the world.
It
is characterized by rampant unemployment with dwindling mercy
from welfare. Also
other
people are working to death, often at inferior wages.
Loneliness, sickness, and
crime
are also rampant in this time period. Example use: I hate these darn modern dark
ages!
Nice Weather (NISE weth er) :
Snow accumulations of 1 to 24 inches and possibly a little bit
of ice.
For
an example of nice weather, please see this photo. Example use: I'm in the mood
for
some nice weather!
Noziam (NO
zee um): A adjective form of my
last name Nozum. Example use: I like to do things
the
Noziam way.
Noziam Heaven (NO
zee
um HEV en) : A state of pleasure
caused by the playing of my music,
getting
a Christian massage from me, and/or receiving reiki through
me. Please note
that
my Noziam Heaven is not intended to be nearly as good as what
God has in
store
for his people. Example
use: I think you need a taste of my Noziam Heaven.
Nozum Juices (NO
zum
JU ses): A group of brain chemicals
at work when a person with the
last
name "Nozum" gets creative. Example use: I like let the Nozum juices
flow
through.
Nozum Express (NO
zum
ex PRES): A fast means of getting
around by fast walking and using
just
every other step in stairwells. Note: Nozum express
has been proven to out-do
some
elevators! WARNING: Make sure that you have good
"brakes" before apply-
ing
Nozum express! Example
use: When using Nozum express, it don't take very
long
to get there!
O.K. : An acronym for Overgrown Kitten. See Overgrown Kitten. By the way, these are NOT ok!
O.P. : An acronym for Overgrown Puppy. See Overgrown Puppy.
O.R. Special (O
R
SPECH
ool) : A person, animal, or object that has one or
more defects that
need
to be fixed. Example
use: Thanks to my numerous birth defects, I have been an
O.R.
special!
Overgrown Kitten (O ver GRONE KIT en)
: A physically full-grown cat that acts like a kitten.
These
can
be very destructive, particularly toward property. There
is not much hope at all for
overgrown
kittens over five years of age. Repeated discipline has
little or no long-term
benefit. Example use:
I'd like to kill that overgrown kitten!
Overgrown Puppy
(O ver GRONE pup ee) : A physically full-grown dog that acts like a
puppy. These
can
be very destructive, particularly toward property. There
is not much hope at all for
overgrown
puppies over five years of age. Repeated discipline has
little or no long-term
benefit.
See photo for an example of an actual overgrown
puppy. Example use:
I've
HAD
it with that overgrown puppy!
Pain of Separation (PANE ove SEP er A shun) : Psychological pain caused by the separation
and/or
isolation
of family members in order to theoretically avoid the
transmission of colds, flus
and
other contagious forms of sickness. In practice, it is NOT
very effective and it leads
to
loneliness and depression. Worse yet, if someone else does
get the cold, flu, or what-
ever,
that person may suffer 2-3 times the depression associated with
the sickness than
if
separation had not occurred. More reasonable measures to
help prevent the transmission
of
contagious forms of sickness include prayer, covering your mouth
when coughing or
sneezing,
hand washing after suspected or known contact with the viruses
or bacteria, use
of
dish washers, and the avoidance of being within a foot of so of
each other's faces.
WARNING:
The total avoidance of casual touch can actually impair your
immune
system!!! Example use: I can't stand the pain of
separation!
Plastic Blanket (PLAST ik BLANK it): A plastic drop cloth used as a
blanket--perfect for unde-
sirable
people. See photo for an
example of a plastic blanket that is folded up. Example
use:
He needs to be covered with a plastic blanket!
Polish Hamburger (PO lish HAM ber ger): An exceptionally tasty hamburger where the
burger itself
includes
mustard, ketchup, diced onions, salt, pepper, Progresso Italian
bread crumbs,
milk,
and egg. Its name "polish hamburger" was given by my dad,
Walter Nozum, who
was
of Polish descent. To see how to make these exceptionally
tasty burgers, go to my
Noziam Kitchen. Example
use: Are you hungry for some polish hamburgers?.
Post-Crap (POSTE krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs at or
close to the end of an
illness,
such as a cold or flu. Example
use:
This appears to be the post crap--THANK
GOD!
Pot Paper (POT PAE per) : Toilet paper. Example use: Don't forget to buy some pot paper.
Pre-Crap (PREE krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs at or
close to the beginning of an
illness,
such as a cold or flu. Example
use:
This appears to be the pre-crap.
Professional Coldness (proe FESH un uhl
COLD nes): A state of social
distance between people,
coupled
with lack of touch. This seems to be a major byproduct of
rampant sexual
abuse
lawsuits. This makes counseling much less effective and
more costly, too. It
is
also tied with social breakdown. Example use: I find this professional
coldness
depressing!
Purgatory (PERG i tore ee) : A hospital.
Example use: When are you gonna
get your rear end out of
Purgatory?
Spring (spring): The
season after Winter and before Summer. It is a
season plagued with lots of
sickness,
mud, and dreadful thoughts of 90+ degree heat being around the
corner.
Example
use: I don't like Spring, for I know that Summer is around
the corner, and
Jack
Roast is coming to town!
Stretcher (STRECH er) : A type of bed that undesirable people deserve
to sleep on. These should
have
three straps. Please see this photo
for an example of a nice stretcher with straps.
Example
use: He needs to be strapped down on a stretcher!
Suffocater (SUF uh CAE ter) : A plastic bag. Example
use: Be sure to throw your trash into a
suffocater.
Summer (SUM er) : The hottest season of the year and is between
Spring and Fall. It is plagued with
miserable heat, humidity, bugs, and
other woes. Example use: I've HAD it with
Summer!
Trach Compliant
(TRAKE com PLY ent) : Compatible with
a tracheostomy Please click here
to
see
whether if a shirt is trach compliant or not.Example use: Are your shirts trach
compliant
(does not interfere with your tracheostomy)?
Trach Water (TRAKE WOT er) : Salt water (usually 1-3 teaspoons of salt per
quart of water)
used
for cleaning a tracheostomy site and tube.Example use: Do you have any
more
trach water left?
Winter (WIN ter) : A good and cold season between Fall and
Spring It is often characterized by
plenty
of "nice weather" (SNOW)!. Example use: I'm looking forward to
Winter!
Y2K Food (WYE tue KAE fude)
: Food
that some people stocked up on, fearing long-term power
outages
due to the onset of the year 2000.
Example use: How much Y2K food did you
get?
Note: The
background is white in order to facilitate
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for the white-only background
is because this page is
likely to be updated frequently.