Batman and Wonder Woman Don’t Get It On Anymore

By: Josephine

Disclaimers: Don’t own ‘em, don’t make money off ‘em.

"Quiet down, everyone!" Superman shouted over the roar.

Half the crowd complied, the other half continued their complaints.

"It’s not fair!"

"We aren’t children!"

"Not all of the stories are offensive!"

Superman sighed; Batman held up a hand.

Silence.

Wonder Woman leaned forward. "Now that we have everyone’s attention, we will discuss this rationally."

Lex leaned over and whispered into Lois’ ear, "She’s happy because the porn’s going out. Women’s rights and all that crap."

Lois gave him a warning look, mouthed the word "superhearing".

Wonder Woman glared at Lex. "Actually, Mr. President, I have mixed feelings about this. I myself have starred in several explicit stories, some of which are very well written, and not for simple sexual titillation. I have also been in pointless stories where I have been tortured and raped, and treated like an object rather than a woman. And even though I might not agree with my portrayal in those stories, I respect an author’s right to write, and abhor censorship."

"Yet you voted in favor of the recent removal of NC-17 stories from the site," Nightwing pointed out.

"We all did, actually." Superman said. "Although the ‘DC Superheroes’ category was relatively free of the NC-17 content that many readers found offensive, many other categories where the subject matter is specifically geared toward children had become...disturbing. Stories with sexual content aimed at adults is one thing, stories starring children engaged in sexual acts is something else. It’s child pornography."

"Isn’t that what the rating system is for?" Troia asked. "Children are told, and they know, that they aren’t supposed to access ‘R’ and ‘NC-17’ rated stories."

"Knowing didn’t keep them from looking," Batman growled. "Simply changing the rating gives too easy access. FF.net does not have the resources to police NC-17 stories, so the right decision is to remove them altogether. Child porn is child porn, even when it is marked NC-17. There are other avenues for publishing these stories."

"Well, I believe that answers all questions," Superman said. "Meeting dismissed."

***********************

"....just when things really started heating up between Bruce and myself in the JLA comic," Diana moaned, cradling her head in her hands. "Imagine the fanfic possibilities as more and more people became intrigued by the relationship."

J’onn snorted. "What are you complaining about? You two boink each other more often in fanfic than anyone else."

"Except maybe Bruce and Selina," Clark said, tossing back another shot of tequila. It splattered against the wall; Clark looked at the empty glass blankly. "Damn, missed."

Diana surreptitiously slid the bottle away from him. Clark’s love life had been slow, to say the least, in fanfiction lately -- unless one counted the Smallville slash fiction.

Not that there was anything wrong with that. Except that it was, with all people, Lex.

"Catwoman," she hissed softly. "Someday, Batman will be all mine."

J’onn glanced at her dialogue tag. "Diana, you amaze me. Only you can manage to hiss a non-sibilant word."

Diana shrugged. "Cat. Hiss. It seemed to fit." She took a swallow out of the tequila bottle. "Where are GL, Wally and Plastic Man, by the way?"

"Getting in as much NC-17 action as possible before the October 12th deadline," Batman growled from a shadowy corner. "When Arthur comes back from the dead/Obsidian Age, he’s going to be very upset that he missed the chance to get it on with you, Diana."

She thought she detected a hint of pride in that statement. "Because I was too busy with you? Get over it. I’m currently going evil after a bout of fantastic sex with him in a Cat Tales spin-off. Or is it Cat Tails? I never remember."

"Non-explicit fantastic sex," Batman smirked. "It might as well be a grin and a tickle."

J’onn grimaced. "A tickle from that harpoon might be dangerous."

Diana was getting dizzy from the out of control facial expressions and the tequila. How does one smirk a line of dialogue? she wondered. Batman could do it, though. "There are still ‘R’ ratings, at least," she said. There, a simple dialogue tag. Said. "Although I suppose there will be plenty of blurring between ‘R’ and ‘NC-17’ now."

Superman looked away from his hand, which he had been staring at in fascination, wondering drunkenly if he was ever going to use it again once the ban was in effect. Hope sparked in his eyes. "You mean we can shtill have sex?"

Batman nodded. "It’s all in the wording. For example, I can ‘sheathe myself in Diana and thrust’" -- he ignored Diana’s interested look; he’d get around to showing her later -- "I just can’t ram my ‘massive, throbbing **** into her dripping, wet ***** and **** her brains out.’"

Superman sighed. "But that’sh so nice," he said. Batman glowered, and Clark hastily added, "Not with Diana! Just the raw act."

Diana scowled at Clark. "What’s wrong with me?"

"We are just friends, remember?"

"Oh...oh yeah." Diana blinked. "You turned me down in Valhalla and all that."

J’onn steered the conversation away from interpersonal relationships. "And swear words are still allowed. Even the F-word. It’s all just a matter of degree and intent when it comes to sex or violence."

Clark sat up straight. "So I can still say ‘shit?’"

Diana rolled her eyes. "You never say that anyway. It’s out of character for you."

"And you just made this fanfic a PG-13. Thanks a lot," Josephine said. She sighed, pointed at Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman. "You three, get off your asses and into my Elseworlds story where you belong. We’ve got to get back to work sans explicit sex capabilities. Too bad for you, but there’s always that new website by ChinaE."

"What about me?" J’onn wondered.

"You’re dead in my story. But you are an interesting changeling in superninja’s Tournament of Men tale. Go there, prod her into finishing it."

"Bitch," J’onn muttered. "I hate it when the author intrudes in fanfic. Unless it is Zippy and Chunks, because they are at least funny." He stared pointedly at Josephine. "But in most cases, such as yours, you are just a boring old hack wasting time before you write a ‘real book’. I read your first story; it was NC-17 if I remember, and called ‘Amazonian Cavewoman’."

Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman burst out laughing. Josephine’s head drooped in humiliation.

"Actually, it was called ‘Batman and Wonder Woman Get It On’. Adrian Tollbridge, my hero, only wrote ‘oh...my...’ in my review. I’m not sure if that is good or bad." She began crying, remembering. "Oh, I’m banned! Banned!"

An expression of distaste crossed Batman’s features as he watched the sobbing, sniveling, snotty writer. He grabbed Diana’s hand, pulled her slowly out the door. "We’re going to go get it on right now, and hell, yeah, it’ll be explicit," he whispered. "Although off-page."

Diana laughed softly. "Bruce, everything has been happening to me off-panel or page lately, so that’s nothing new."

Ignoring Josephine, Superman and J’onn watched the other two heroes leave.

"You know," J’onn said. "They are really lucky bastards." He turned to Superman. "So are you. You have Lois."

"Oh. Yeah." Superman said. "Bye, J’onn." He was gone in a flash of blue and red.

J’onn grabbed the bottle of tequila. "Hey, Josephine."

She looked up, wiping tears and mucus from her red, puffy face. J’onn tossed her the bottle, she caught it.

"Try alcohol," he suggested. "It worked for Hemingway and a bunch of other American writers."

"Hemingway?" she repeated stupidly. "You want me to be a misogynistic ass?"

The Martian shrugged. "A concise one, at least. No frowning and nodding and shrugging and grimacing and looking all the time."

She nodded. "It does get repetitive, doesn’t it?"

"So does all the sex. Heck, I hear that Meljean Brook started her story with sex just to get it out of the way, so there was no 'will they or won't they?' question," J’onn shrugged. "Sex is great, but it’s the story around it that’s interesting."

Josephine nodded, but her eyes narrowed. "Are you just saying that because you don’t have sex very often?"

J’onn shrugged. "Maybe," he said.

The End.