The “If Only” Girl

A chance encounter with an old flame dredges up bittersweet memories.

This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

This short story is presented for personal entertainment only. Commercial and all other use is expressly prohibited.

(c) 2012-2017 Robert Horseman, All rights reserved.

I left my downtown high-rise office for lunch at noon on the dot, and joined the cattle drive to the exits. I loosened my tie as I made my way through the revolving front door, and turned right toward the Samba Grill two blocks away. As I approached the next corner a loud squeal of tires and crunch of metal diverted my attention, and I stumbled into a woman rounding the corner of the building. Her coffee cup went tumbling, luckily missing clothing and shoes, but leaving a big splash mark on the sidewalk. She said “Oh crud, not again.” “Oh, excuse me, I’m so sorry. Did you get any on you?” I asked as she stooped to pick up her paper cup. I sucked in my breath as she looked up at me. The world paused for an instant as my brain snapped back twenty years in recognition. “Jennifer? Is that you?” She straightened and looked at me quizzically. “Do I know you, Mister?” I chuckled and took off the reading glasses that I’d started to need at age 40, and asked, “Is this any better?” She studied me for a moment, then her eyebrows shot up and she said, “Billy Hayes? No it can’t be. Oh God it is you!” “It’s me,” I confirmed, as I straightened my tie and stood tall. In a pretend cultured voice I said, “But I go by William now.” She snorted in amusement, then looked me up and down. “I never thought you’d sell out to the man, you look so, so, ummm, prosperous.” It was my turn to snort back at her. “Appearances can be deceiving, but in this case I guess it’s at least partly true. I hope to make partner next year. And how about you? The last time I saw you, you were studying to be a nurse. Either nurses dress a lot better than they used to, or you made a mid-course correction too.” She said, “Oh, I stayed on course for a while, but it couldn’t last. The nursing hours were deadly. I took some time off, took a few business courses, then parlayed both into a hospital administrator position.” “Nice going”, I said. I paused and looked at her speculatively. “Do you remember how we broke up?” She looked down at the pavement, obviously uncomfortable. “Yeah, didn’t I tell you you were a bit immature for me? God I’m so sorry I said that.” I laughed, “Yeah, well don’t sweat it. I was immature; even I knew that, but that’s not what I meant. When I moved out of our building, I couldn’t face you to say goodbye. Do you remember….?” “How could I ever forget that? Your apartment was right next to mine. I knew you were moving that day, so I had a girlfriend over to keep me company just in case you came over to say goodbye.” “Really?” I paused a beat. “I can’t believe I’m going to asked you this after twenty years but….did you get my last note? The one I slipped under your door that day?” Tears welled up in her eyes, but she kept them in check and wiped them with the back of her hands. Her eyeliner had smeared, but she got her face composed and said in a quiet voice, “I remember. I’m pretty sure I still have it stashed away somewhere.” The realization of what she said hit me hard. She kept my note? The one where I told her I loved her and goodbye in the same sentence. Until now I hadn’t realized how hard I had suppressed the memory of that note. Tears started to well in my eyes too. I screwed up my courage a notch further and asked, “Do you know what I call you when I think back on that time?” “No, what?” “My ‘if only’ girl. “If only? If only what?” “If only I’d been more… mature, if only we had tried a bit harder, … just… you know, if only. We were good together…weren’t we? I didn’t just dream it, did I?” My voice was steady but my throat felt like it was full of chalk. She took a shuddering breath and unconsciously fiddled with her wedding band. “No, you weren’t dreaming it.” As if by unconscious consent we both raised our left hands and displayed our wedding rings. “I desperately love my wife,… but I want you to know that you meant a lot to me, and I’ll never forget you.” I paused, unsure, and slowly raised both arms. A tear rolled down her cheek and we embraced, both of us oblivious to the traffic and noise all around us. As we parted, she said “It was good to see you again Bi…, I mean… William.” She smiled. “Have a good life, and I mean that.” I swallowed hard and nodded. “You too, Jennifer.” I turned and started walking away. After a few steps I heard her softly say, “if only”. When I looked back she had turned and was walking away, her head bowed.

•••••The End •••••