I had just started feeling pretty good again after that first dose of chemo where I got both drugs, then had to go back in for the second dose of Gemcitabine (day 8 of the cycle).  For the first dose I was in a room with a bed, but this time was in a recliner in a room with several other patients receiving their infusions (most of them for breast cancer).  It was kind of bizarre as we all started asking each other "What chemo are you getting?"  Sort of like being in a restaurant and asking each other "What are you ordering?"  There was one poor lady that has advanced cancer as well as some other health issues who is in there 3 days a week and gets sick every time.  It made me realize that things definitely could be worse.  Since I have already scheduled to have my chest port inserted prior to my next double dose of chemo on March 9th, the nurse was willing to use a vein higher in my arm which is larger.  Fortunately in this larger vein I didn't feel the pain with the infusion, so that part was easier.   

 

Once again, I was pretty nauseated all that day but still able to eat and get around.  I did sleep with a garbage can next to the bed again.  I think it will be a fixture there and hopefully I will never need it. 

 

We went to the Wyland gallery right after the treatment and paid for the painting.  I just can't wait to have it hanging in the house.  It should be about a month and half.  Poor Brian is worried about what he can do to top this one next time I'm feeling down.  I told him this should carry me through lots of rough times.

 

As with my first dose, the day following (Friday) went really well, then by Saturday I started feeling worse.  The last couple days I have just felt downright crappy.  I've had some strange things going on, too.  Friday when I was putting mascara on, I had opened my eyes wide and on my right, upper eye saw this bloody area under the sclera.  It's not just bloodshot - the entire area is a patch of blood.  Over the last few days it has drained down and the whole inside of my eye now looks bloody.  Fortunately, it isn't at all painful - it just looks freaky.  I called the hospital and they checked my counts thinking maybe this is caused by my platelet level being low.  They were at the low end of normal, so they wouldn't expect it to be caused by that.  I had a friend this happened to spontaneously, so it doesn't necessarily mean it's related to the chemo, but the timing seems too coincidental.  The day after I first noticed that, I got a big blood blister in my mouth that later popped and is now a big sore.  Mouth sores are one of the side effects, so no surprise on that one.  My throat is pretty sore, too, so I think I have more back further, and I'm using some of that numbing spray for it. 

 

Taxol also can cause numbness and tingling in the hands and feet, and sure enough, my feet are progressively getting number.  So far, it hasn't made me any clumsier than I already am.  I still think I'll use it as an excuse when I run into stuff.  I'll have to think of something else after I'm done with chemo (although they say this can last up to a year after treatment ends).

 

Lastly, I have tested my hair every day the last few days by gently pulling on it, and sure enough, today I see it is starting to come out.  I guess on Taxol, once it starts, it goes pretty quickly.  I have my friend and hairdresser on standby to come and cut it off for me as I'm going to donate it to Locks of Love.  I guess most of the wigs they make are for kids, so I can feel good about that.  I don't feel traumatized by it as of yet, so hopefully I won't.  I ordered a bunch of really cute hats online so I am ready.

 

I had thought I wanted to go back to work soon on light duty.  In this job, if we are not fit to be working as a line firefighter, we can do modified duty.  There are a number of different jobs they can give us; it just depends what they need.  My department has given me the choice of letting the other members cover my shifts (as they have been doing for 2 months now) or coming back on light duty when I'm ready.  Well, these last two weeks have been an eye opener as to how hard this is actually going to be.  I had envisioned having a few crappy days amongst the good, but the reverse appears to be the case.  I have had many of the guys tell me previously to just "let" them work for me until I am done with this, and I now realize that will be the best thing I can do for myself.  I am extremely lucky that I am part of this family that is willing to give me the opportunity to focus on my healing.  They have given me a priceless gift.

 

OK, now for some funny stuff.  When my brother and his wife (Eric and Jeniffer) were here visiting, Jeniffer and I were looking at the website where I bought all my hats.  In addition to the cute hats, they have things like turbans with fake bangs, headbands with hair attached and more.  We got some good laughs out of looking at those, then we looked at the fake eyelashes and eyebrows they sell.  Jeniffer asked "What about the fake pubes?  Where are those?"  I think we laughed for 10 minutes.

 

We were having some dinner with friends one night and I was telling them how big my collection of fake boobs has gotten.  I have my swim prosthesis, my regular prosthesis, my workout prosthesis, and all of the knitted Tit Bits that my friend Betsy made (I think you have all seen photos of those treasures).  So my friend Kris says "You need one of those closets like Goldie Hawn had in the movie Overboard for her shoes, but for all your boobs - the kind with the crank to bring out the different shelves?"  It's a good visual eh?

 

Thank you all for listening and caring.  I am one who needs to share, so I'm grateful you all let me.  Even when I'm down, I try to keep the goal in sight and that is to get through this, get healthy and get on with my wonderful life.  I know there are lots more adventures in store.

I felt great the first day after chemo.  My brother, Eric and his wife, Jeniffer had come in town to spend a few days with us just hanging out and not doing a whole lot.  They were great company.  Over the next couple of days, I felt progressively crappier, and I hit a low yesterday.  My joints ached, I've had headaches, felt feverish and a bit nauseated, and had a couple nights of allergic reactions (probably from the Taxol) where I had hives and itching on my legs and red skin over my stomach and chest.  Brian ran out one night and got some Benadryl after we found two boxes in the house that had expired - one in 2001 and the other in 1997!  Guess we don't use it that often. 

 

I think when I'm physically feeling down, my emotions sink a bit, too.  I was feeling pretty sad and scared yesterday, so my wonderful hubby decided to let me in on a secret.  I have admired the Wyland painting, "Orca Moon" since I first saw it at his gallery on the Big Island of Hawaii.  It's a black and white painting and absolutely gorgeous.  And no, it's not a picture of our cat, Orca's rear end!  It's of an orca leaping out of the water in front of a full moon and a starry night sky.  When the light shines on it, it just glows.  Anyways, he had decided a month or so ago to get it for me as a post-chemotherapy graduation present.   When Eric and Jen were here, I took them to the gallery in Seattle to show it to them not knowing Brian had already planned to get it for me.  The guy at the gallery talked to me about it, and I told him I just couldn't justify purchasing it.  Brian had Jeniffer sidetrack me while he talked to the guy about it.  He was going to surprise me with it by hanging it up when he got it, but when I was so down yesterday, he decided to brighten my day with the news.  I am soooooo excited.  What a guy I have!

 

I hope you all don't get overwhelmed with my detail about treatments and side effects.  I think it's easier for me to focus on the treatment, so I don't spend too much time contemplating why I have cancer again and what it means for the future.  For the most part, I am very optimistic and feel happy most of the time, but the fear does come rushing in at times. 

 

As most of you know, I've done the Firefighter Columbia Tower Climb the last couple of years.  I signed up again this year, but told the team captain I would not be able to do it in my firefighting gear - at best I would be able to do it in shorts and t-shirt.  He called the other day and said the rest of our team is going to do it in their gear earlier in the day, and he's having them put me with one of the last groups.  All the guys are going to come back to do it with me without gear, just to be with me as I do it.  AND, they are requesting permission from the department to have a stair chair available should I not be able to make it the whole way. If that happens, they will put me in the chair and drag me up the rest of the way so I can actually finish it.  As you can imagine, I couldn't help crying when he told me about what they are willing to do to make sure I get my chance. 

 

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes:

"Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it" 

Though it would have been nice to start the day yesterday well-rested, the concert was well worth it.  Lenny Kravitz put on an awesome show, and Aerosmith just rocked the house.  The energy level was high and it was exciting to see.  We got a room right by the Tacoma Dome so we could get as much sleep as possible.  We just got up early and ate then headed right to Group Health for the first chemotherapy infusion.

 

We had a quick meeting with the oncologist first just to go over what would be happening and to see if we had any last minute questions.  He then wrote the orders up.  My oncology nurse and good friend Patti was also there and gave me some advice on things to help getting through taxol treatment.  She said taking L-Glutamine really helps curb the numbness and tingling it causes in the hands and feet.  She said it can go on for a year after the treatment ends, so it's better not to let it get too bad in the first place.  I have been using this stuff for a long time for body building, but the dose she wants me to do is much higher than I've ever done before.

 

We then went to the infusion center and had a wonderful nurse named Ruth.  She was very kind and truly wanted to make it the most comfortable experience possible.  She put the IV in my hand, which is not my favorite place to get one, but she said these drugs can damage veins over time, and they need to begin in the hand.  This gives them the opportunity to move further up the arm if needed later in the treatment cycle.  They also won't use my left side as that is the side I have had my surgeries.

 

She started by giving me two benadryl, a ranitidine tablet, and an anti-nausea drug called Zofran.  She then gave me dexamethasone through the IV.  This helps with nausea as well as reducing the possibility of an allergic reaction.  Some people have a severe reaction to the chemo drug, Taxol, which also why the intial dose is a very small test dose to see how you respond.  She asked if I had a history of asthma and allergies, which I do, so she called a respiratory therapist in.  He administered albuterol to me, then waited while I received the test dose of Taxol in case there was a problem.  They also have an epi pen ready to go.  Luckily, I didn't have a problem with it, so they called the pharmacy to prepare the whole dose of Taxol as well as the Gemcitabine.  During the wait, they even gave me some lunch. 

 

Our friend, Nicole dropped in for a little while.  She had offered to bring us some food, but hey, I had that wonderful hospital food for free!  It was really nice having her there to visit.  Patti also came by and took Brian to a great little coffee shop and they brought back espresso for us all. 

 

When they nurse got ready to administer the full dose of Taxol, she said it can be very irritating to the veins, and some people's veins will spasm causing it to be painful.  Though she had told me this, I was quite taken aback at how painful it was and how quickly it happened.  It felt like I was being infused with a boiling hot liquid and the pain radiated through the whole forearm.  It was quite intense.  She slowed the rate down and increased the amount of saline going through the line to dilute the Taxol.  That helped a lot, but I had episodic bouts of pain through the whole thing.  The taxol infusion took about an hour, then came the Gemcitabine.  Unfortunately, it is just as much or more irritating to the veins as the Taxol, so I experienced pain with that infusion, too.  She kept warm blankets on my arm the whole time and told me to do breathing exercises to help the vein relax, and for the most part it wasn't that bad.  It wasn't constant, but when it hit, it was intense.

 

She spoke with me about having a port implanted in the chest.  It is a small surgery done in radiology, and they feed a catheter from it into the vena cava.  Then, all they have to do is a needle poke right into the port rather than needing to go into a vein every time.  They can also do blood draws through it, and I will need to have my counts checked regularly to ensure they are high enough to have each treatment.

 

They also said that over time, both of these drugs can damage the veins, and that it is likely since they can only use one side, that my veins may not hold up through the whole thing.  So, I think it would be in my best interest to get the port.  I have a call in to get it scheduled.

 

I was a bit tired all day yesterday.  I'm sure it was combination of all the drugs they gave yesterday as well as post concert exhaustion.  I had some nausea later in the day and slept with a garbage can by the bed, but I am feeling quite well today.  I woke up at my normal time of 7am and am all tanked up on coffee now.  My brother and his wife arrived in town last night.  The sun is shining bright here, so we will be getting out of the house to do some exploring. 

 

As always, thanks for your continued support and interest in what's happening.  I am one lucky woman to have the friends, family and coworkers that I have.  I have such a great life in spite of the trials I have been through, and even they only go to show me how fortunate I really am.

 

Love to you all and keep smiling every day.

Hello out there,

 

We had a wonderful time up at Whistler skiing.  They have had tons of snow this year, and it was sunny every day.  We were joined by several friends during the week, and had fun exploring both mountains up there.  Brian and I also indulged in a couple massages each, so it was a physical and relaxing vacation.

 

Tonight we are seeing Lenny Kravitz and Aerosmith in concert, then tomorrow we get up early for my first chemo treatment.  Maybe we'll just sleep through it.....

 

The drainage issue FINALLY seems to be resolving.  We aspirated once more while up at Whistler, and it started building up again right away.  It has gradually started to subside, though, so hopefully that's the end of that.

 

I received more knitted titties in the mail from my friend Betsy.  I wore the one with the jewelry in it yesterday! 

 

Keep enjoying your lives and going after your dreams.

 

I had the MRI this morning.  After the procedure, the tech told me to wait for the radiologist to come and talk to me, and of course this made me nervous.  He wanted to tell me that he took a preliminary look at the films, and though he will need to go over them in more detail later, he did not see anything of concern at this time!  He shared with me that he has also had two cancers and knows what 3:00 in the morning feels like waiting for results.  So that's good news.  We just need to focus on one cancer.

 

We will be out of town for the next week, so don't worry when you don't hear from me.  We had this vacation to Whistler scheduled months ago, and the timing between healing from surgery and starting chemo fit nicely with these plans!

Brian is still working on a fancy website, but for now he got this going so I could post updates as to what's happening.  Through emails, most of you know about all of these events, but here is a summary.

 

Back in mid November, I found a small lump in my left breast on self-exam - this is the same side I had my previous breast cancer in 1997.  It felt small, not too hard and moved around easily, so I truly thought it would be nothing more than a cyst.  I was checked out by my primary care doc, and he also didn't think it felt like cancer, but due to my history wanted me to get an ultrasound and mammogram. 

 

Though nothing was visible on the mammogram (my first cancer was also not visible on mammogram), the ultrasound clearly showed an abormal area that the radiologist said was very worrisome.  We knew it looking at it, too.  After going through this before, we know the appearance of cancer on ultrasound, and this looked bad - irregular borders, solid appearing, etc.  The radiologist and her tech immediately began setting up an appointment for an ultrasound guided biopsy.  The next day they called and wanted me to get in that day for a breast MRI which usually takes a couple of weeks to get scheduled.  They gave me the MRI films to handcarry back to Group Health as they needed them for the upcoming biopsy which was only one day away.  I took a peek at the films, and even I could clearly see this tumor "lit up" on the film.  I could also see that the appearance of extra blood vessels going to the tumor. 

 

The next day was Thanksgiving, and Brian and I both worked.  Maybe that was best.  We were pretty certain at this point that I would again be diagnosed but were still trying to hold on to that shred of hope that the imaging was wrong.  After our shifts on Thanksgiving, we headed right over to Group Health for the biopsy.  The radiologist took 6 samples with the biopsy gun.  He also gave me a copy of the MRI report, and it said the appearance of this lesion on MRI had the highest degree of suspicion for malignancy.

 

The next couple of days were extremely stressful waiting for the biopsy results.  We both felt certain of the outcome, but it didn't make it any easier when my friend and oncology nurse said the words "Camari, you have cancer again."  And not only that, it appeared to be this weird, very rare type called metaplastic breast cancer.  I was on duty when I made the call and found out the results and obviously was in no condition to finish the shift. 

 

The next few days were a blur trying to make phone calls and send out emails letting everyone know.  We both felt so overwhelmed, and some of what we read about this type of breast cancer did not seem very encouraging.  We did make ourselves go out and ski one day, which was a needed reprieve from it all.

 

We met with the surgeon a couple days later - it was no surprise to us that my only surgical option was a mastectomy.  Due to having previous radiation to that breast, I was not a candidate for lumpectomy as radiation treatments must follow that type of surgery.  It was still a hard pill to swallow to hear it.  She set up an appointment at the same time with a plastic surgeon at Virginia Mason.  I had hoped I could do reconstruction right after the mastectomy, but it was not recommended.  If the margins had not come back clean, then they would have to go back and remove everything they done, so it made sense to wait.  I guess I just didn't want to face waking up with just a big scar across my chest where my breast used to be.

 

We did meet shortly after that with the plastic surgeon, and he was wonderful.  After going over all of the various options for breast reconstruction, he explained why most of them would not work for me.  My option is a tissue transplant from the gluteal area.  These are less frequently performed but tend to be useful for athletic women.  You can only imagine some of the jokes I've heard about this surgery!  If only I could use even a fraction of all the offers for donated fat.......

 

Prior to surgery, we met with a group of breast cancer specialists at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  Because this is a rare type of breast cancer, we felt it was important to go over treatment options with several doctors.  Based on the needle biopsy results, a combination of chemo drugs, Taxol and Gemcitabine, was recommended.  They also agreed that surgically, mastectomy of the diseased left breast was the best option, but emphasized that I did not need to make a decision to remove the right breast at the same time.  This really took a heavy burden off of my shoulders.  I felt like I was trying to make that decision at gunpoint.  I still may opt to do it, but at a later time when I've been able to put reasonable thought into it and not when I'm in a panic mode.

 

The mastectomy surgery was December 28th.  Our dear friends, Laura and Becky, were in town, as much to help Brian get through it as me.  The day was very surreal.  We managed somehow to still be able to laugh and enjoy each other's company.  I think we were a bit of a rowdy crowd for the pre-op area!  We handed out spearmint "Tit Tarts" to all the docs and nurses that came around.  Through most of the morning, it almost seemed like no big deal, but when they came to get me to walk down to the OR, I did get emotional. Brian and I both said later it felt like Dead Man Walking.  I could almost see other prisoners banging on their bars.  We did pull a quick one on the doctors and nurses in the OR.  Right before I went in, I put on a clamp on nipple ring Brian had bought for me.  I was fast asleep by the time they saw it, but from what I heard, it was quite a surprise.  They got me back, though.  When I woke up in recovery, I felt Brian pulling on something in my nose - they had clamped it in there!

 

We were given a ride home from the hospital in one of the reserve paramedic rigs from Bellevue complete with two handsome, paramedic chauffers.  It was a very kind gesture from my department and meant a lot to us.

 

When we arrived at the house, my dear neighbor, Sam had put beautiful pink ribbons in front of every house in the neighborhood.  He had gone that morning and had them made at a floral shop.

 

I have been amazed in some ways at how fast the surgery site is healing, but I did have issues with drainage and infection.  Though I had very little pain right after the surgery, the site suddenly became very painful.  The drainage almost doubled in one day, and it turns out it had become infected.  This delayed getting my drain out by a week or so which did not make me happy.  Once I did get it out, I could see I was clearly building up fluid under the scar, so ended up needing to get aspirated a couple of times.  The next appointment, the surgeon decided to put a second drain in. It ruined Brian's plans to use me as a level when he builds the deck.  That one stayed in for a week, and now I am drain free.

 

The next step in the process will be chemotherapy.  The oncologist at Group Health agreed on the regimen recommended at SCCA, so I will be doing a combination of Taxol/Gemcitabine for 3 months.  These two drugs together are usually used for patients who have had their breast cancer spread to other organs, but I did Adriamycin for my first breast cancer.  It is the usual aggressive chemotherapy for high grade breast cancers like mine but can only be given to a patient once in their lifetime due to its cardiac toxicity.  I will receive Taxol and Gemcitabine on Day 1, then will get Gemcitabine again on Day 8.  This will go in 3 week cycles for 3 months.  The side effects are the usual -  lowered white counts, anemia, mouth sores and hair loss along with numbness/tingling in the hands and feet from the taxol.  I guess your nails can also turn yellow.  Let's see - gnarly nails, bald, and one breasted - can it get any sexier????   I made it through the Adriamycin the first time, so hopefully I will tolerate this regimen OK also. 

 

As my hair will be falling out, I've decided to go red!  We actually both really like it - who knows, maybe when it comes back, I'll be a redhead.

 

The only other issue going on while we wait for chemo is another little lump I found on the right side.  We have already had an ultrasound of the area, and the radiologist did see 3 small areas in that breast that she took pictures of.  She didn't feel that any of them looked malignant, but they are having me do another breast MRI just to make sure.  I have that test tomorrow.  Though I feel fairly confident that it's benign, I do tend to get stressed with every new test.

 

My fire department is supporting me through this in a huge way.  The administration approved the use of Union Work Replacement (UWR) for me.  Instead of me using sick leave while I'm out (which I would not have enough of to carry me through this whole thing), they are coordinating a list of people who volunteer to cover my shifts.  They don't get paid for it, they only do it to help me.  Since they are "me" for the shift, I get all of my pay and benefits, I do not use any sick leave and in fact continue to accrue it.  You can only imagine what this means to me.  When they first talked about it at the union meeting, I was crying and could hardly speak.  From what I've heard, every time a call goes out to cover my 9 or 10 shifts for the month, there are sometimes 70 responses for volunteers.  It amazes me and I feel extremely lucky to have such a fabulous fire department family.

 

Finally, we are getting out of town for a much needed week away.  We had this vacation to Whistler booked well before any of this came up, so we've decided to go ahead with our plans.  The timing works out well with when they want me to start chemo.  We will of course, watch the Seahawks win the Superbowl from a sports bar up there!

 

All I can say about all of you is - WOW!  You have been helping us get through this very difficult time with your calls, emails, visits, gifts, jokes, etc.  For that - THANK YOU!