|
The Human/Vampire Compatibility Test
Originally for VAMPYRES@GUVM in 1992 by the
Vampire Duck
In this fast-paced world of ours, things are far more
complicated than they used to be. There used to be a day when
you'd put in a good days labor and work, from 5 am to 9 pm, and
then spend the rest of the time with your spouse and family
kindling a fire and griping about your sore feet. There were no
TVs, no radios, no CD-players, microwave dinners nor movies. As
the days of the World Wide Web came around, relationships were one of the
first things to take the toll, and many people bumped around
aimlessly from one bad relationship to another. Somewhere down
the line, some bright person got the idea that people may need
help determining who they were really compatible with. That bright
person put together a compatibility test and sent it off to
thousands of woman's magazines on your newsstands today. You
know, the kind of magazine that has half dedicated to
loosing weight, and the other half shows you 101 culinary dinner
treats whose primary ingredient is chocolate fudge. Many
then were able to make use of that test in an effort to find their
perfect mates. If only their perfect mates had also seen the tests,
they might have succeeded.
This is one such test.
You may already be aware of my
Vampire Probability Test or the
Vampire Vulnerability Test .
The Vampire Test was a quick yes/no test in
order to see just how much of a vampire you might be (in case you
aren't sure). The Vampire Vulnerability Test was written for
humans only. It was a multiple choice test that in the end
determined just how vulnerable/eager you are to become the consort
of a vampire. After thinking long and hard, I realized that these
two tests somehow didn't cover all the bases. I asked myself,
"Greg (as I sometimes refer to myself), what is missing?" Then,
staring at the young model on a cover of this woman's magazine, as
I often like to do, it came to me like breath of fresh air (by the
way, my wife buys the magazines). I thought, "what about that
tenuous bond associated with a vampire/human relationship? What
is really needed is a test, like in this woman's magazine, to
determine if that bond will stand the test of time!"
These 15 questions are the result of that work.
Might I say that vampire/human relationships are wonderful
things. Everyone should try one. In today's world most of these
relationships are becoming extinct. Think about it. How many couples
do you know that fall into this category? For one thing, they have
a tendency to turn into vampire/vampire relationships before long.
If that doesn't happen, some nasty jealous human comes along and
stakes the vampire.
In each subject area, there are two sets of questions. One
for the vampire in the relationship, and one for the human. It
helps if you decide with your "Significant Other" beforehand which
one is which.
If you happen to be single, or worse, in a relationship with a
member of your own species, you should still take this test.
In the
end, I will show you how to look at your score and use that so that
you'll be in a fulfilled perfect vampire/human relationship by this
time next year. Sound simple? It is. But hundreds of humans/vampires
such as yourself are jumping on the bandwagon. If by chance you're
human and you're still uncertain whether you should take this test,
first consider the following quiz:
To what extent are you willing to be bit?
A.) You never really thought about it.
B.) As long as the vampire is cute enough, and they ask
nicely, you suppose it's okay. Just once.
C.) You wouldn't exactly fight off your vampire lover. In
fact, you'd probably volunteer.
D.) Your entire existence, all your thoughts, mind, body, and
soul, would instantly and unconditionally surrender to the touch of your
immortal companion. You would willingly pounce down on your knees and plead,
and beg, and swear eternal gratitude for the privilege of being turned
on the spot.
If you have any answer at all to that quiz, then this test is for you!
Subject 1: Desires
H1.) [Human Question]
What is it you desire from your vampire mate?
A.) Immortality and Carefree Abandon and Lawlessness
B.) Powers (shape-changing, flying, great strength, speed, hypnosis)
C.) A Best Friend and Lover
D.) Someone who really needs you (or, at least, your blood.)
E.) Lots of vampiric kisses.
F.) Honesty, Compassion, Understanding, Companionship, Communication,
and gobs of money.
V1.) [Vampire Question]
What is it you desire from your human mate?
A.) Blood
B.) Something else
Subject 2: Rotten Apples
H2.) [Human Question]
How do you know when your date is the kind of
person you want to avoid?
A.) They wear Old Spice and plaid and they think Dan Quayle is
a God and Murphy Brown is responsible for the breakup of American
society.
B.) They consult family members before deciding whether to go
potty.
C.) They consult you before deciding whether to go potty.
D.) They never go potty.
E.) They make up silly tests.
F.) They eat insects and brag about it.
G.) They're mortal.
V2.) [Vampire Question]
How do you know when your human date is the kind of victim you
want to avoid?
A.) You suspect the large bulge in their pants is a stake.
B.) They eat insects and brag about it.
C.) Their nickname is "Pyro".
D.) They engage in flame wars.
E.) They think Rush is Right.
Subject 3: Hypothetical Situation
H3.) [Human Question]
You're traveling abroad with friends in a
foreign country. The simplistic townsfolk, all clad in old hand-made
beer-stained outfits, are very nice and hospitable. You ask what you
should see while you are there. They smile and name four of the
seven wonders of the world, but what really catches your attention
is that they point to a castle in the distance and tell you *not*
to go there. "No human being has ever returned from there alive."
"It's cursed, I tell you, cursed." They repeat this many times,
ominously, and you agree to heed their caution. So, you begin
your travels, ignoring all signs pointing in the direction of the
castle. Unfortunately, while touring the local cemetery, as one
of your best friends love to do, you get lost and end up by the
castle anyway. Naturally, it starts to rain and the sun begins
to set. Of course, your friends decide to go inside. There, after
pulling aside all the cobwebs and lighting a conveniently placed
torch, you discover a sealed coffin in the main antechamber. You
brush off two inches of dust as a rat scurries by on the floor.
The seal has an inscription (in Helvetica Bold, 10 pt.) on it. It
says: "Under no circumstances should any mortal break this seal."
One of your friends bounces with delight, "Let's open it!". Suddenly,
a sinister looking hunchback enters the room. "Hello, welcome to
Castle Dracula," he sneers. "Please," he adds, "stay the night."
You're about to say "no", when a friend suddenly chirps up, "hey,
look, there are lots of old decaying human bones lying around
here. This would be a cool place to stay the night!"
What do you do?
A.) Assume you've entered into a bad vampire movie and hope
that you're the protagonist, and not an expendable extra.
B.) Agree, and open the coffin at the first opportunity in the
hopes that if the vampire is single that you'll be able to pounce
down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude for the privilege
of being turned before any of your friends beat you to the chance.
C.) Take the first opportunity to get out of the castle, into
your limousine and go home.
D.) First ask if the hunchback is a Virgo.
E.) Take a vacation to Hawaii.
V3.) [Vampire Question]
You're alone visiting a human that that you've
been good friends with for many, many years. Naturally, because the
friendship means so much to you, you don't want to change things. On
your own initiative, you've promised not to taste this person's blood.
It's a Tuesday night, and your friend has invited you over to watch
a movie ("The Care Bears meet Bob Dole"). During a commercial, your
friend slips into the kitchen to juggle butcher knives, like they often
do on Tuesday nights. Suddenly, your friend slips and cuts himself.
They immediately run into the room, wave the blood in front of your face
tauntingly and laugh, and then pounce on their knees and swear eternal
gratitude if you turn them into a vampire on the spot.
Do you:
A.) Ask them what their score was on the
Vampire Vulnerability Test
and then decide to choose your friends more wisely in the future.
B.) Take a vacation to Hawaii.
C.) Tell them you'd prefer they change into some older clothing
that won't be ruined by bloodstains, and while they're in their room,
dart out the front door on your Harley and zip away.
D.) Turn down blood? Are you kidding? Gleefully fulfill their
request.
Subject 4: Ultimate Goals
H4.) [Human Question]
What is are your long term plans, and ultimate goal of a relationship?
A.) Financial Security.
B.) Children (more if you already have them).
C.) Creating fledgling vampires.
D.) Emotional Happiness (as opposed to the unemotional kind).
E.) An eternal commitment
V4.) [Vampire Question]
Where do you see your current human mate
in a hundred years?
(one needs to be specific. "Long term" for an immortal can be almost anything)
A.) Dead.
B.) Undead.
Subject 5: Risk-taking
H5.) [Human Question]
True or false: you enjoy taking risks.
A.) True
B.) False
C.) Maybe, depending on what your master says.
V5.) [Vampire Question]
True or false: the way to keep the silence
is to make sure your victims don't live to tell.
A.) True
B.) False
Subject 6: Fighting
H6.) [Human Question]
When you get angry with your vampire, what
is most likely to happen?
A.) Get away for awhile, taking some time to think. Then,
returning later after things have calmed down a bit.
B.) Think about seeing it from the other perspective.
C.) Try to remember how you've handled similar problems in the
past.
D.) Try to discuss the issue during the daytime, when
your vampire is considerably weaker.
Ed. note: This was an actual question, modified appropriately from
Woman's Day.
V6.) [Vampire Question]
When you have a disagreement with your
human victim, what is most likely to happen?
A.) You get enraged, and kill them.
B.) You drink some of their blood, enough to weaken them, and
then leave till you've calmed down.
C.) Leave, and go find another human for that night.
D.) Use your powers of hypnosis to force them to see things
your way.
Ed. note: unlike the human counterpart of this question, except for answer
C.) this question wasn't.
Subject 7: Fidelity
H7.) [Human Question]
During a vacation, you happen to be walking down a
street in London one day when you inadvertently bump into a friend from
your home-town. (For those who live in London, substitute Fresno,
California.) Naturally, you are both overjoyed that you should happen to
meet. Your friend invites you to their London mansion, and you gladly accept,
pleased beyond recognition that you now have a good excuse not to dine with
Prince Charles (his complaints about Diana had started to get on your nerves.)
That night, the moon is full and the air is unusually warm. You dine with
your friend for many hours, feeling closer and closer as the night passes.
Your friend discovers you have many reasons to be happy: no matter how many
times you try not to, you keep winning the lottery; your old boss has decided
you know more about the business than he and you can now do whatever you want,
keeping whatever hours you want; and your current love interest is the most
wonderful mate you could ever be blessed with. But when your friend notes a
hint of sadness in your eye, you finally confess that your
SO back home is a
vampire, and that you both are very happy together, but you desperately want
to become a vampire and since your SO feels it a curse, refuses to allow it.
Just then, your friend confesses that they are also a vampire!
Do you:
A.) Pounce down on your knees and swear eternal gratitude for the
privilege of being turned on the spot?
B.) Confess that you'd like to be "turned", but feel it should be your
mate that does it.
C.) Request that they turn you, but only if your mate still refuses to
do so now that you have an alternative.
D.) Start up a small mortgage investment company in New Guinea.
V7.) [Vampire Question]
It's a dark and mysterious Wednesday night. The air
outside is cold and windy. The weatherman says that there is a sixty percent
chance of rain, however. Anyway, it is the fifth anniversary since you and
your human mate starting going out. At first, it was bliss. Your weekend
trip to Paris, the day you surprised your love with their own island, and the
endless hours of unbridled passion remain permanently etched in your
memory. Unfortunately, it has been awhile since the two of you have spent
any "quality" time together. Your mates work hours seem to get longer and
longer. Occasionally, they've even called from the office and said that
they need to sleep there. You've discovered your mate humming for the
first time in ages. A night with the guys/gals is prefaced with their most
expensive outfit and cologne/perfume. You find books on love stashed in
the linen closet. You find them stealing away from your bedroom in the middle
of the night to join your "weekend guest" that they brought home from the bar.
You even begin to suspect they might be having an affair with a human!
What do you do?
A.) Leave immediately, don't look back. Move to Hawaii.
B.) Turn their new lover into a vampire.
C.) Turn your mate into a vampire.
D.) Start your own cult.
E.) Host a virtual party.
Subject 8: Blood Possession
H8.) [Human Question]
One night, six months ago, when you were walking
along on the beach of one of your private islands in the middle of the
Pacific, a gorgeous vampire swept out of the sky and landed beside you.
Both of you immediately hit it off. During the next six months, you
were dazzled by his/her affections, achieving ever increasing happiness
with each passing day.
On this particular night, however, you had promised your vampire SO
that they could have a snack at midnight. You look at your watch,
annoyed; the hour hand is creeping up on three and you've been alone,
and a slight wind has made you cold. You tap your feet and begin to
pace, each passing minute tearing into your emotions like a branding
iron. Your mind starts to fill with various scenarios. "The vampire
was late because someone staked it". After a while, no excuse becomes
good enough and you begin to hope that your vampire does not show up
at all that evening.
At this moment, one of your friends appears. His name is Bob, and
he is also a vampire that your SO met on an electronic mailing list called
HUMANNS. (Actually, your SO met a vampire with the human pseudonym of
Doogie Howser during something called a virtual party, who happened to know
Bob- but that's a different
story. )
He tells you he has the hunger pains,
and asks if he might have a little blood.
Do you:
A.) Give him the blood, and when or if your vampire SO appears, tell
them its too late for a snack.
B.) Deny him the blood, telling him that your blood is for only you
and your SO.
C.) Give him the blood, and if your SO shows up, give it some blood
too, even if that puts you at risk of becoming undead from blood loss.
D.) Give him the blood, and if your SO shows up, give it some blood
too, especially if that puts you at risk of becoming undead.
V8.) [Vampire Question]
Your walking through a farm late one Thursday
night. Suddenly, a large brown cow with big blue eyes walks up to you and
insists that you do not eat it.
Do you:
A.) Agree whole heartedly.
B.) Listen closely for twilight zone music.
C.) Yell that you're a carnivore, and let you be.
D.) Decide never to eat cow.
Subject 9: Expectations
H9.) [Human Question]
You and your SO have the following blood fidelity understanding:
A.) Your vampire can only drink your blood unless it is an emergency.
B.) Your vampire can drink others blood to satisfy their hunger, but
must erase the memories from the other human victims.
C.) Your vampire can drink anyone's blood as long as they don't have
STDs.
D.) Your vampire will not kill anyone (else) from blood loss.
E.) There is no understanding.
V9.) [Vampire Question]
You and your human SO have the following blood fidelity understanding:
A.) You can drink only their blood unless you say it was an emergency.
B.) You can drink other people's blood as long as you forget
about it later.
C.) You can drink anyone's blood you choose.
D.) You will not kill anyone else from blood loss unless it's
for a really good reason (like they're the person in charge of the
Energizer Bunny, or they cut you off on the freeway, or they've memorized
every episode of Beavis and Butthead)
Subject 10: Turning
H10.) [Human Question]
You and your vampire SO have the following "turning" understanding.
A.) Your vampire will not turn you without your explicit permission.
B.) Your vampire will never turn you, no matter how much you might
beg, insist, or blackmail.
C.) Your vampire will turn you if that is the only way to avoid your
death in a given hypothetical situation.
D.) Your vampire will turn you when it shall ever suits his/her fancy.
V10.) [Vampire Question]
same as the human's.
Subject 11: True/False Questions on Compromises:
H11.1)
You like to wear turtlenecks.
V11.1)
You don't mind having mirrors in the house, as long as
they are discretely placed.
H11.2)
You tend to feel a little drained in the mornings regardless.
V11.2)
When your SO's friends or relatives invite the two of you over
for a video, you don't mind too much watching another vampire film where
the 500 year old super-vampire somehow manages to be outsmarted and burned by
the sun (since he forgot the time) by a twenty-two year old teen idol who
can't even remember to wear a shirt.
H11.3)
All the vampire/human relationships you've had in the past
have been successful.
V11.3)
All the vampire/human relationships you've had in the past
(except for that one incident in the colonial days) have been successful.
H11.4)
You don't mind if your mate can bench press a football team.
V11.4)
You don't mind if your mate can't.
H11.5)
Your parents strongly encouraged you to date blood-suckers.
V11.5)
You don't mind being older than your inn-law's grandparents.
H11.6)
You had a warm and fuzzy childhood.
V11.6)
The 1860s treated you well.
Subject 12: Meeting Family
H12.) [Human Question]
You and your vampire mate arrange a romantic
getaway for the two of you return to the vampire's birthplace to meet
those that turned him/her. The weekend is a dream come true. Both of
you had been working so hard. Your vampire mate had just completed his/her
term in the House of Representatives, and you've just gotten your doctoral
dissertation on the "Impact of Sociology and Astrophysics on Dynamical
Systems from the Neoclassic Age" approved. Your trip to the far side of
the world starts with a helicopter to your private airport where a special
jet awaits you. Both of you zip through the stratosphere at mach two,
arriving in your lover's native land before it even seemed that you were
gone. Upon arriving at the gate of your SO's home castle, an old vampire
stands there with a horrible sneer on his face. All he says is, "this
mate better not be human!"
How do you hope your SO reacts?
A.) "But he/she isn't. They just look human."
B.) "I'm turning them tomorrow, really."
C.) "Mate? Hell, this is just tonight's appetizer!"
D.) "I fully and unconditionally support my mate exactly as they
are. I do not enter this relationship with preconceived conditions or
expectations. I am fully supportive and listen completely to whatever
my mate desires, and I do not require approval of my family members. Nor
will I tolerate snide remarks made about my mate in my presence. I hope
that you will grow to accept him/her, just as I have, but if you don't, it
will be your loss, because I will stand by their side no matter what. If
all this is okay with you, of course."
V12.) [Vampire Question]
It's Thanksgiving, and that means meeting your
human SO's family over a Thanksgiving dinner. You get out of the car to
stretch your legs, for even vampires get cramp after a ten hour car drive.
You slowly make your way to the front door of Aunt Betsy's house, with your
hand around your human SO's waist. Uncle Bob opens the door, wearing a
torn tee shirt, and pants around three sizes too small. His breath reeks
of beer, he drools unabashedly, and his face is unshaven. "Come in," he
burps gleefully. He slaps both you and your SO firmly on the back. You
enter cautiously, as a kid suddenly darts by, screaming something about
the latest TV show. You use your fantastically agile vampire skills to
avoid getting knocked over. Aunt Betsy walks up, and tweaks your cheek,
"Why you're so much nicer than the others in the past, aren't you dear?
The rest were such dead beats." You slowly look around, and notice that
there are two distinctively different TV shows blaring in the background
from different rooms. Bob walks into the living room, where a football
game is being played, and Aunt Betsy goes into the other room. You start
to wonder who's cooking the meal, but decide not to think about it. You
decide instead to follow Aunt Betsy. In the other room, they're watching
a pretaped show of "Forever Knight" and commenting about how wonderful it'd be
to become a vampire. One of the ladies casually admits how nice it might
be to remain young forever. Her husband, with slightly thinning hair,
thick eye-glasses, and a large mole on his right cheek, immediately agrees,
and adds it might be difficult to explain the youth to family and friends
over time. It has been an issue you and your SO have discussed before, but
this forces you to think about it again. Although you and your SO have a
wonderful relationship and are closer today than you've ever imagined you
could be with anyone. It occurs to you that even if you remain a
vampire/human couple, it will be hard to explain to friends and family when
after ten years or so, you remain unchanging.
What do you do?
A.) Break up today before it you get any closer.
B.) Decide to deal with that problem when you come to it.
C.) Put aside lots of money for cosmetic surgery.
D.) Decide merely to kill any suspicious family or friends.
E.) Start up a small mortgage investment company in New Guinea.
Subject 13: Reality Check
H13.) [Human Question]
Suppose you visited Transylvania on a Thursday next
week.
How many vampires would you meet your first day:
A.) Depends on how long the day is.
B.) Four.
C.) Just as many as are in Fresno.
V13.) [Vampire Question]
Do you really believe in humans?
A.) One can always wish.
B.) Most definitely.
C.) No, but word on the street is that New Guinea is in need of a
new mortgage investment company.
D.) How else to you explain Doogie Howser?
Subject 14: Compatibility Index
H14&V14.) [Human/Vampire Question]
How compatible do you think you are with your vampire/human mate?
A.) Extremely so. They're the one. This time you mean it.
B.) Truthfully, you're just in the relationship because they're a
vampire/human.
C.) Not really compatible.
D.) You hate their guts, and plan to stake/kill them at first chance.
Subject 15: Personal Description
H15&V15.) [Human/Vampire Question]
Does any of the following describe you:
A.) I'd rather take a physics test than eat brusselssprouts.
B.) God usually ignores my e-mail.
C.) I cannot read or take tests. Or do math.
D.) I'd rather be painfully burned to death in a law library than
eaten by a great white shark on a Wednesday in November.
E.) I look forward to boredom.
F.) I am tired of winning the lottery.
G.) I think Rush is Right.
H.) It infuriates me when people bury me.
I.) I belong to a religious sect that participates in human sacrifice.
THAT'S IT!!!!
It's over now, so get a pen or pencil, and start to add up
your score! Score as follows:
H1.)
A,B,E= 2 points; C,D,F= 1 point. For those that avoided (F-
"Honesty, Compassion, Understanding, Companionship, Communication,
and gobs of money"), keep in mind that I was once criticized by a member
of a VAMPYRES mailing list that my tests (specifically, the
Vulnerability Test), had too much monetary references. For those that
also feel that interests in vampyres should not be spoiled by the
escapism of imagining you have so much money that you can do whatever
you want, whenever you want, breaking only occasionally to lend money to
Bill Gates, I should probably apologize. But I won't. Even though I
realize this test is about vampyres, and there really should be no
escapism there, somehow I just feel that money can't be all that bad,
and I'm welcome to accepting any from those who disagree.
V1.)
Give yourself a point for honesty if you picked (A- you desire
blood), and two
points for political correctness if you picked (B- you desire something
else).
Something that
vampires need to keep in mind is that there are many desires in a
human. The human seeks immortality, power, freedom, the honesty
of the relationship, the ability of the vampire to read their mind
and peer into their soul, the forbidden passion of the
relationship, the quenching of the erotic desires, and the excuse
to wear turtleneck sweaters. And what does the vampire seek in
return? Blood.
H2.)
A,G= 3 points; B,F= 1 point; C,D= 2 points; E= -1 points.
V2.)
A,E= 3 points; B,D= 2 points; C= 1 point.
H3.)
You probably have entered into a bad vampire movie. So, give
yourself two points for A. Give yourself three points for trying
to get turned (B). Give yourself no points for C or E. If you
asked if the hunchback was a Virgo (D), subtract one point.
V3.)
A,C= 2 points; D= 1 point; B= 0 points.
H4.)
C,E= 2 points; A= 1 point; B,D= 0 points
V4.)
A= 1 point; B= 2 points.
H5.)
A= 1 point; B= 0 points; C= 2 points.
V5.)
A,B= 1 point.
H6.)
Well, Woman's Day scored it like this: A= 2 points; B,C= 1 point;
D= 0 points.
V6.)
Well, I think Woman's Day might have scored it like so:
D= 2 points; A,B= 1 point; C= 0 points.
H7.)
B= 3 points; C= 2 points; A= 1 point; D= 0 points.
V7.)
B= 2 points; C= 1 point; A,D,E= 0 points.
H8.)
B,D= 2 points; C= 1 points; A= 0 points.
V8.)
I think this came from the wrong compatibility test. Give yourself
a point for insisting on remaining a carnivore no matter what the cow tells
you. No points for any other answer here. This is often a bone of contention
between humans and vampires. The human occasionally gets upset when you kill
off Aunt Margaret after getting the munchies last Tuesday. The trick is to
get humans to see the way you do. To the vampire, humans are food. Some
humans claim that killing cows is immoral. The key is to remember that morality
isn't the issue. In fact, morality has nothing to do with it. Imagine, if
you will, that cows could talk. I'm not saying that you should suddenly
imagine that cows are intelligent, sentient beings. Talking doesn't always
imply sentience. The vampire knows that talking cows doesn't change the
picture. The morality question is still the same. The Hindu is
still vegetarian, and the beef eaters will still fatten and enslave
cows just to kill them. But, what I wanted you to imagine
specifically is that a cow comes up to you and says, "please,
don't eat me. I find that immoral." A human might say, "hey,
you are like cows to me." The cow sighs and replies, "Okay, I
guess I understand. Do you want ribs today?"
Now that you have this image firmly placed in your mind, imagine
some cow being very argumentative, "Hey! Don't eat me. It is
immoral! I will not condone you eating me. And, don't you dare
get any closer with that branding iron. I said... Hey, listen to
me! OUCH!" Now imagine this cow, who insists that it will never
condone the slaughter of its own kind, *even* if it does
understand why humans do it, suddenly gets the opportunity to become
a human. This same outspoken-against-humans cow, who has said it
understands why humans kill cows, but hates humans for doing it, decides
to become a human, and start killing its family members. Once your
human mate appreciates this, the bone of contention will pass.
H9.)
A,B,C,D= 1 point; E= 0 points.
V9.)
C= 2 points; A,B= 1 point; D= 0 points.
H10.)
C,D= 2 points; A,B= 1 points.
V10.)
D= 1 point; A,B,C= 0 points.
H11 & V11)
Give yourself one half point for all "true" answers. Round down
the total for an whole integer total at completion.
H12.)
A,B,D= 1 point; C= 0 points.
V12.)
B= 2 points; C= 1 point; A,D,E= 0 points.
H13.)
This little reality check is actually a trick question. The number of
vampires you'd expect to meet the first day in Transylvania? The real answer
is close to none, of course. From most places, it'd be such a long trip you'd
probably be quite tired; it'd take at least two days to find the best
spots. Besides, vampires are nocturnal. The first night might
be different. So, no points for A or B. The best answer is C, however
according
to a recent survey done by a fruitcake in New York City, there are actually
four vampires in Fresno. So, give yourself no points there either. Give
yourself a point if you skipped the question.
V13.)
B,D= 2 points; A= 1 point; C= 0 points.
H14&V14.)
I just love tests that do this! I was reading this "Are you happy?"
test in Cosmo, which unfortunately says I'm won't be until I find a good man,
but question four basically asked, "Are you happy?" At this point, I felt
cheated. I mean, if I knew, why the hell would I be taking this damn test!!
That's why I bought that issue, damn-it. The strange part was I answered
"yes", but my score in the end indicated "no", so I guess I was wrong.
Go figure. So, here I ask, "are you compatible?" I could just say score
the test by saying your final score is the opposite of whatever you think,
and save some trouble on your part, but I guess that would be silly.
Give yourself three
points for A, two points for B, one point for C, and no points for D.
H15&V15.)
Score the below as follows:
A.) I'd rather take a physics test than eat brusselssprouts.
Okay, you're normal. No points. Hey, I hate physics tests
too. If this doesn't describe you, subtract one point.
B.) God usually ignores my e-mail.
Doesn't this irk you too? Subtract one if so.
C.) I cannot read or take tests. Or do math.
Subtract two.
D.) I'd rather be painfully burned to death in a law library than
eaten by a great white shark on a Wednesday in November.
I'm not sure, but add one point.
E.) I look forward to boredom.
Subtract one.
F.) I am tired of winning the lottery.
Call me. Add two points.
G.) I think Rush is Right.
Really? Add or subtract one, it's your choice.
H.) It infuriates me when people bury me.
I know the feeling. Add one point.
I.) I belong to a religious sect that participates in human
sacrifice.
Subtract one, or two, if you also think Rush is Right.
For Humans, in a Vampire/Human relationship, if you scored:
30+:
You're a perfect compatibility match! Be sure never to take
what you have for granted!
26-29:
You two are the ones typically voted most likely to remain together
by the high school yearbook committee. This is unfortunately a bad omen.
Nevertheless, there are a few small wrinkles, but it is hopeful they can be
ironed out.
22-25:
You're still compatible, however be careful that all issues have
been thoroughly discussed to avoid trouble spots in the future. For the
humans, be sure to watch your neck and you might want to keep a vial of
holy water on you at all times. Just in case.
18-21:
This relationship is in for turbulent waters ahead. Best to
take inventory and strengthen the relationship now. You should
concentrate on things of a common interest. For vampires, you probably
won't want to spend so many nights out flying with the buddies. For
humans, your vanity could probably still get by with a few less mirrors.
14-17:
In my infinite wisdom, regardless of how you answered question 14,
I'm going to say this relationship probably won't last without major
changes. Of course, the good news for humans with high "Vulnerability"
scores is that this "change" may be your ultimate dream come true. Then
again, it may not.
10-13:
Sorry. Little hope here. Are you sure you're happy?
1-9:
Break up. Yep. Listen, I'm an expert. I know these things.
0 or less:
You're probably not compatible with anyone.
For Vampires , in a Vampire/Human relationship, give yourself
another point just for being a vampire, and then check out the scores for the
Human section.
For those not in a Vampire/Human relationship, any score of 35 or
above means that one such relationship is waiting around the corner.
Otherwise, keep trying and ignore any promises made by test givers.
And, if you happen to already be in a wonderful, loving, caring relationship
with a member of your own species? Simple, break up! No, actually,
there is a really simple solution. Toss a coin, have your partner call
it, and by this decide which one gets to become the vampire (the more
clever might wish to get a "special" coin first.)
Take care, one and all,
__________
! __
|oo|
.----.
V V _
`----' / \ Picture by PNF
\ \____/ /
\ /
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(graduated vampire duck floating on transylvania lake)
Quack! Quack!
- Greg Henry
- The Human/Vampire Compatibility Test (c) 1992-1994
- Do not modify, duplicate, forward, archive, or read
|
