For an extended Horrorscope, just call 1-900-999-VAMP. 
Credit cards aren't necessary.

 

If today is your Deathday: Congratulations!  You are
practical, quick and intelligent.  You have a high opinion of
yourself and are often prone to extreme moments of brilliance.  Your future is in your hands right now.  You are quite mechanical and are good with your hands.  You are a genius, and very susceptible to gratuitous praise.  Accordingly, people laugh at you a great deal.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19): You will get what you need in an
almost effortless manner.  Focus on the elderly, and long
term investments.  Leave your mark on someone.  It is a good time to be selfish.  A Cancer will invite you to dine gourmet style, but control your appetite.  (Ed. note: Oops, this was taken from a human forecast.)

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It shall be especially lucky week
for AB-.  A mortal enemy will pass away this month.  Visit
one of those doubting Thomas' on a vampire list.  Mortals
have a tendency to fear you, and dislike your confidence
and insisting nature, but Neptune rising over Pluto in the
early sky will help you win a mortal's heart.  In the next
few days, you will be unusually quick and energetic.  See
if you can get a perfect stranger to offer their blood
without uttering a single word.  Try and spend more time
with the one who turned you.  I predict that in the next
few minutes you'll think about the word vampire. 
Or is it vampyre?

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):  I promise that having just broken up with a Gemini vampire will not bias my forecast.  There will be some good things happening to you, but you will be too depressed to appreciate them.  In fact, you probably wouldn't know a good thing when you were dating one.  You are quite bright and hate messiness.  This results in nagging and putting on airs.  You are cold and heartless, and will soon regret a recent decision made regarding an ex-lover.  You have a vivid imagination which results in an inability to grasp reality.  You would make a good ... 
(Ed. note: We humbly apologize to all Gemini vampires; the
author lost control.  We assure you that nothing but good
fortune is in your future.  Greg's note: I'm the editor,
not the author!)

 

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You are most probably the
tortured soul, reluctant-type.  But never fear, for the next
few days you'll be especially good at coming up with
justifications.  For example, "I couldn't help myself,"
or "I was getting lonely," and even "they had it coming." 
So splurge and feel guilty later.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22): Let your next victim seek YOU out.  Take advantage of the fact that so many mortals romanticize the vampire.  Let them come to you!  They may be unsuccessful at an attempt to do you in.  It would be a good idea to be wary of anyone going by the name Miranda for awhile.  Other than that, keep an eye out for Arabellas or Daniels.  The latter may mean a good feed. 
(With apologies to Noctua, who will recognize the references here to her fiction ;-)

 

Virgo (August 23-September 22): This is a good time to be
planning and thinking about a possible VampFest.  In fact,
the stars say this is a good time for travel (or organizing
a travel).  Even in a small town, police will be especially
deft and not observe the incredible coincidence between your arrival and blood-drained people dropping like flies.  At
least not for a few weeks or so. 

 

Libra (September 23-October 22): Be cautious of strangers
over the next few days and avoid possible fire problems. 
If you can, feed off of a mortal friend.  Preferably, make
it a late night feeding.  Take notice of that one demanding
young mortal in your life and become their mentor.  Then
take their blood.  Actually, Libra is the sign to be right
now.  The next few weeks will bring a non-stop cavalcade of
blood.  You will be your most attractive, witty, inspired
and powerful.  A simple smile will cause a mortal to pounce
down on their knees and swear eternal gratitude if you'll
just turn them into a vampire on the spot.

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Wear dark colors. 
Socialize.  It is especially important for you to pay
attention to your Horrorscope right now; the rest of
eternity may hang on the choices you make in the next few
minutes.  Your very existence and survival may lay in the
balance.  Don't let this pressure get to you.  Follow your
instincts.  Drink a chipmonk's blood (but apologize
profusedly first).

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Take a risk
sometime in the early night.  This is not a good time for
investments.  Bring joy, flirts, and inspiration to some
lucky mortal.  Then turn them.  Find a suitable victim,
but once you've won their heart take your time.  It might
be fun to toy with them awhile first.  See if you can get
their consent.  Make them think they're a goner several
times before they really are.  See if you can set up a
good chase.  Have some fun.

 

Miscellaneous (December 22): There is no sign for you.  Sorry.

 

Capricorn (December 23-January 19): This is a good time
to read some vampire fluff.  You may pick up some good
pointers from an imaginative mortal.  And your most dearest and precious dreams are likely to come true.  You may also enjoy a quick romance with a stranger.   Just be sure you bite for two, a fellow vampire in a rut may need to mooch off you.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Avoid martial artists
with an attitude.  Especially those wielding a bokken or
jo.  Be careful of wooden crossbows.  Expect some ups and
downs, but persevere.  Don't worry, be happy.  And don't
underestimate a new vampire in town.  Find a superstitious
pheasant.  Go to a funeral of some mortal to relax.  Or
see a horror film for some more fun.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Now's a good time to find
a new coffin/crypt.  Splurge, and get yourself the deluxe
model.  Be careful not to wear your best clothes tonight,
there is a chance of a bad blood stain.  But whatever you do,
be elegant and keep your dignity.  Hold your chin up high. 
Take small sips of blood from a wine glass.  Remember,
Venus has left Pisces, but the Sun and Mercury have
taken its place and the New Moon coming up demonstrates
that the sky will be in your favor, unless of course
unlucky Jupiter enters the lower horizon.

 

Signed, the quiet editor,
       __
      |oo|
     .----.
     V  V        _
     '----'        / \                                    Picture by PNF
       \   \____/  /
        \            /
~~~~~~~~~ (vampire duck floating on translyvania lake)
                 (who keeps a pouch of "home-water" with him)

 

Quack! Quack!
- Greg Henry