A Dictionary of Noziam Terms
Now with 62 entries!
Bird Salad (BERD SAL id) :
Turkey salad. Example use: Are you hungry for a bird
Boo Season (BOO see zin) :
Halloween. Example use: Are you looking forward to
Boo Shop (BOO shop) : Store or store department where Halloween
stuff is sold. Example
use: Have you checked out the boo shop in Wal-Mart?
Chest Wrap (chest rap) : A
sheet around 2-3 feet wide and is used to wrap snugly around a
person's chest and possibly the arms. It can be used for comfort and/or as a
"mummy restraint." While it may be tempting to pull it kind of tight around the
chest, extreme caution should be used in order to allow normal breathing. The
sheet should go all the way around a person at least once and may be secured
with tape, or the person may just lie down, and gravity will cause natural friction
needed to hold the thing snug around the chest. Click HERE to see ME in a
chest wrap! Example use: You wanna wear a nice chest wrap?
Chipology (chip OL o jee) :
The study of integrated circuits. Example use: In college, I studied
a fair amount of chipology.
Christian Massage (KRIST yen mezh OJ)
: A massage given out of Christian love for a person.
These massages are done without sexual intention, and clothing is usually not
removed. Example use: What you need is a Christian massage once and a while!
Clogged Pipe Syndrome(klogd PIPE SIN drome) : A mental disorder where the mind is so
choked full of stress and turmoil that the person CAN'T "get it out" or not easily.
In such cases, counseling may be necessary. At first, "bits and pieces" may come
out, often when the person is in tears. As "bits and pieces" come out, it gets
easier for more of the "crap" to come out. Counseling can aid in this process.
Example use: Yesterday, he was suffering from a severe case of clogged pipe
Crack (krak) : Reese's
peanut-butter eggs (available around Easter). Example
use: I'm in the
mood for some crack!
Crack Season (KRAK sez en) :
Time of year when Reese's Peanut-butter eggs are available
(around Easter).. Example use: Have you been enjoying crack season this year?
Crap Can (KRAP kan) : Garbage can. Example use: Don't forget to empty the crap can.
Crap City (KRAP SIT ee) : A
bathroom with two or more toilets or at least one toilet and a
urinal. Two or more people can do their "business" at once in such a facility.
Example use: I need to exit off at Crap City!
Crap House (KRAP hous) : Bathroom. Example use: I need to go to the crap house!
Curved Pipe Syndrome (KERVD PIPE SIN drome) : A physical phenomenon where if a
person drinks a lot of water or water-based products, he or she will have to
urinate a lot 2-4 days later. Example use: It appears that you have curved
Dead Boy (DED boi) : An
ideal "brand" of animal poison for putting overgrown puppies and
overgrown kittens to sleep--FOREVER! Example use: I need get some Dead Boy
poison in order to put that darn overgrown puppy to sleep!
Fall (fol) : The
season after Summer and before Winter. It is a season of
relief and hope--relief
from a hot and humid Summer and hope for a snowy Winter! Example use: I'm
looking forward to seeing Jack Roast get his rear end beaten this Fall!
Four-Legged Eyesore (foor LEG ed I soor):
Any animal that has four legs, moves around on its
own, and is depressing to look at. This is particularly true with overgrown puppies
and kittens. Example use: I'd like to get rid of that four-legged eyesore!
Goldencrap Syndrome (GOLD en krap SIN
syndrome. Goldenhar's syn-
drome is a congenital disorder that often causes severe facial deformities and
possibly more. I can do much better without this darn Goldencrap syndrome!
German Devil (JER min DEV ool) :
A dog that looks like a German Shepherd, but is mean toward
people and/or property. They also have invisible horns. If the horns could be seen
and felt, they would look like this. Example use: This German Devil does a PRO-
FESSIONAL job at making life miserable!
(GRAND mo start) : An easy attempt to start a gas lawnmower,
chainsaw, or leaf vac, such as a typical grandma might do. This makes a good test
to see if a starter is really good. Example use: This mower can be started even with
a grandma start!
Grave Yard Special (GRAVE yard SPECH ool) : Any object
that is no longer usable, particularly
burnt-out light bulbs. The reason why they are called this is because such objects work
just as well in a grave yard where there is no electrical power or whatever. To see a
sample light fixture with three grave yard specials in it, click here. Example use: This
light fixture has a couple of grave yard specials in it!
Gurney (GERN ee) : A stretcher. See Stretcher.
Hell (hel) : ICU
(Intensive Care Unit). Please note that the ventilator may
be the "hottest fire" in
Hell. Example use: I don't wanna go back to Hell!
Horse Crap (HORS krap) :
Homework. Example use:
Too much horse crap is bad for your
House of Loneliness (HOUS ove LONE lee nis) : A house whose residents suffer from
good company and are forced to endure months or years of loneliness. Example
use: I am tired of living in a house of loneliness.
SNOE iz em) : A condition
where a person suffers from excessive
snow or the perception of it. Example use: I think he has a bad case of hyper-
iz em) : A condition where a
person suffers from a lack of
snow or perceives a lack of it. Example use: I think he has a bad case of hypo-
Jack Can (jak
kan): A more "personal" name given
to a Jackson cannula (used in some trache-
ostomy patients). Example use: I'm ready to say good-bye to Jack Can (meaning
that I'm about to get rid of my Jackson cannula).
Jack Roast (jak
roste): An antonym for Jack
Frost. It is commonly used to call hot weather or
any environment uncomfortably hot to be in. Example use: I've HAD IT with Jack
Jeopardy (JEP er dee) : One of the worst regularly scheduled TV shows
on network TV. Example
use: Do you really need to be watching that darn Jeopardy six days a week?
Lono (LO no): An acronym that stands for Land Of No
Opportunity. This is usually used to refer
to an economically depressed area, such as the northern panhandle of West Virginia.
Example use: Living in Lono can be depressing.
Microchaff: (MI kro chaf): A new name given to Microsoft when they
release SEVERELY buggy
software, and charging a fortune for it. This is a severe version of quote "Microshaft."
Example use: Are you having a lot of problems with Microchaff's Windows XP?
Microshaft: (MI kro shaft): A new name given to Microsoft for
releasing lots of buggy software,
and often charging a fortune for it. See Microchaff. Example use: Have you ever
tried Microshaft's Windows Me?
Mid-Term Crap (MID term krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs in the
middle of an
illness, such as a cold or flu. There may be one or more of these.Example use: This
appears to be the pre-crap.
Montgomery Cannon (mont GUM er ee CAN en): See Montgomery Cannula below.
Montgomery Cannula (mont GUM er ee CAN yue luh): A cannula that is well suited for people with
sleep apnea that requires a tracheostomy.. They also make a nice hidden "gun." If you
have one of these installed in you, just place a long swab with the cotton end facing into
your neck. Make SURE that it is too long to toward downward into your trachea. Now
just put your finger over the opening, look at your enemy, and build up pressure in your
lungs. When ready to fire, just quickly remove your finger, and your enemy has had it!
To see what a Montgomery cannula looks like, click here. Example use: I don't need a
gun to shoot my enemies; I got my Montgomery cannula ready to fire!
Modern Dark Ages (MOD ern DARK aj iz): A period of time which seemed to have started
around 1981 A.D. and is continuing. This MAY continue until the end of the world.
It is characterized by rampant unemployment with dwindling mercy from welfare. Also
other people are working to death, often at inferior wages. Loneliness, sickness, and
crime are also rampant in this time period. Example use: I hate these darn modern dark
Nice Weather (NISE weth er) :
Snow accumulations of 1 to 24 inches and possibly a little bit
For an example of nice weather, please see this photo. Example use: I'm in the mood
for some nice weather!
zee um): A adjective form of my
last name Nozum. Example use: I like to do things
the Noziam way.
Noziam Heaven (NO
um HEV en) : A state of pleasure
caused by the playing of my music,
getting a Christian massage from me, and/or receiving reiki through me. Please note
that my Noziam Heaven is not intended to be nearly as good as what God has in
store for his people. Example use: I think you need a taste of my Noziam Heaven.
Nozum Juices (NO
JU ses): A group of brain chemicals
at work when a person with the
last name "Nozum" gets creative. Example use: I like let the Nozum juices flow
Nozum Express (NO
ex PRES): A fast means of getting
around by fast walking and using
just every other step in stairwells. Note: Nozum express has been proven to out-do
some elevators! WARNING: Make sure that you have good "brakes" before apply-
ing Nozum express! Example use: When using Nozum express, it don't take very
long to get there!
O.K. : An acronym for Overgrown Kitten. See Overgrown Kitten. By the way, these are NOT ok!
O.P. : An acronym for Overgrown Puppy. See Overgrown Puppy.
O.R. Special (O
ool) : A person, animal, or object that has one or
more defects that
need to be fixed. Example use: Thanks to my numerous birth defects, I have been an
Overgrown Kitten (O ver GRONE KIT en)
: A physically full-grown cat that acts like a kitten.
can be very destructive, particularly toward property. There is not much hope at all for
overgrown kittens over five years of age. Repeated discipline has little or no long-term
benefit. Example use: I'd like to kill that overgrown kitten!
(O ver GRONE pup ee) : A physically full-grown dog that acts like a
can be very destructive, particularly toward property. There is not much hope at all for
overgrown puppies over five years of age. Repeated discipline has little or no long-term
benefit. See photo for an example of an actual overgrown puppy. Example use: I've
HAD it with that overgrown puppy!
Pain of Separation (PANE ove SEP er A shun) : Psychological pain caused by the separation
isolation of family members in order to theoretically avoid the transmission of colds, flus
and other contagious forms of sickness. In practice, it is NOT very effective and it leads
to loneliness and depression. Worse yet, if someone else does get the cold, flu, or what-
ever, that person may suffer 2-3 times the depression associated with the sickness than
if separation had not occurred. More reasonable measures to help prevent the transmission
of contagious forms of sickness include prayer, covering your mouth when coughing or
sneezing, hand washing after suspected or known contact with the viruses or bacteria, use
of dish washers, and the avoidance of being within a foot of so of each other's faces.
WARNING: The total avoidance of casual touch can actually impair your immune
system!!! Example use: I can't stand the pain of separation!
Plastic Blanket (PLAST ik BLANK it): A plastic drop cloth used as a
blanket--perfect for unde-
sirable people. See photo for an example of a plastic blanket that is folded up. Example
use: He needs to be covered with a plastic blanket!
Polish Hamburger (PO lish HAM ber ger): An exceptionally tasty hamburger where the
includes mustard, ketchup, diced onions, salt, pepper, Progresso Italian bread crumbs,
milk, and egg. Its name "polish hamburger" was given by my dad, Walter Nozum, who
was of Polish descent. To see how to make these exceptionally tasty burgers, go to my
Noziam Kitchen. Example use: Are you hungry for some polish hamburgers?.
Post-Crap (POSTE krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs at or
close to the end of an
illness, such as a cold or flu. Example use: This appears to be the post crap--THANK
Pot Paper (POT PAE per) : Toilet paper. Example use: Don't forget to buy some pot paper.
Pre-Crap (PREE krap): A bowel movement that usually occurs at or
close to the beginning of an
illness, such as a cold or flu. Example use: This appears to be the pre-crap.
Professional Coldness (proe FESH un uhl
COLD nes): A state of social
distance between people,
coupled with lack of touch. This seems to be a major byproduct of rampant sexual
abuse lawsuits. This makes counseling much less effective and more costly, too. It
is also tied with social breakdown. Example use: I find this professional coldness
Purgatory (PERG i tore ee) : A hospital.
Example use: When are you gonna
get your rear end out of
Spring (spring): The
season after Winter and before Summer. It is a
season plagued with lots of
sickness, mud, and dreadful thoughts of 90+ degree heat being around the corner.
Example use: I don't like Spring, for I know that Summer is around the corner, and
Jack Roast is coming to town!
Stretcher (STRECH er) : A type of bed that undesirable people deserve
to sleep on. These should
have three straps. Please see this photo for an example of a nice stretcher with straps.
Example use: He needs to be strapped down on a stretcher!
Suffocater (SUF uh CAE ter) : A plastic bag. Example
use: Be sure to throw your trash into a
Summer (SUM er) : The hottest season of the year and is between
Spring and Fall. It is plagued with
miserable heat, humidity, bugs, and other woes. Example use: I've HAD it with
(TRAKE com PLY ent) : Compatible with
a tracheostomy Please click here
see whether if a shirt is trach compliant or not.Example use: Are your shirts trach
compliant (does not interfere with your tracheostomy)?
Trach Water (TRAKE WOT er) : Salt water (usually 1-3 teaspoons of salt per
quart of water)
used for cleaning a tracheostomy site and tube.Example use: Do you have any
more trach water left?
Winter (WIN ter) : A good and cold season between Fall and
Spring It is often characterized by
plenty of "nice weather" (SNOW)!. Example use: I'm looking forward to Winter!
Y2K Food (WYE tue KAE fude)
that some people stocked up on, fearing long-term power
outages due to the onset of the year 2000. Example use: How much Y2K food did you
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