Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer
and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware
and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote
seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income and
mental suffering caused as a direct 600 or gross negligence of said company,
under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection
(a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate
occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"),
through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did
cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries
sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make
a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and
thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel
post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the
Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting
his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped
the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck
and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over
the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its
path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At
that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr.
Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this manoeuvre but was unable to,
due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent
braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket
Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions
and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding
the ears), a neck brace and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility
one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product,
however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that
which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter,
without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this
case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger
safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket
Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme
"Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For
a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached
deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.). Indeed, it is safe to
say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense
of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer
rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling
downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive
of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the
point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile
of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb
(Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey,
seeing the birdseed, approached and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the
fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb
to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful
preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product
resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
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- Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
- Sooty discoloration.
- Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
the aftershock with a creaking noise.
- Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling
and ashy disintegration.
- Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme
malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a
lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him
to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift
reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr.
Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within
a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range
of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with
care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended
prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin
springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision
with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling
upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding
to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the
boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came
into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical
axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body
tissues - a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked and to emit an off-key,
accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention
that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer
of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger
traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has
come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic
source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading
partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where
a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless
and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic
implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million
dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical
expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars;
general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant,
its directors, officers, shareholders, successors and assigns, in the
only language they understand and reaffirm the right of the individual
predator to equal protection under the law.
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