"The SALAMI Snooze" On-line edition, April 1, 1997 — Page 9

Bonus Article #4: Lose Money Fast

The Humor Department
Jokes, Quotes, Insults, Shameless Plugs

(This one comes from Rob Furr (R.FURR@GENIE.GEIS.COM) from the Usenet newsgroup, rec.humor)


Hi there!

Do you, like many other computer users around the world, have large, combustible wads of money in your pockets? Do you find writing all those pesky zeroes down in your bank book tedious? Would you like to lose $1,000? $25,000? even $50,000? Think it's impossible?

Well, it's not! Anybody can lose AS MUCH MONEY AS HE OR SHE LIKES, and faster than anyone could imagine!

Five years ago, I was rich. I had money in high-yield investment securities, stocks, municipal bonds. Two cars sat in my garage, and I was in the highest income tax bracket possible. Then, one day, I discovered the secret of how to LOSE MONEY FAST, and it changed my life. Now, I am living in one small room of a second-story apartment in the second-oldest apartment building in Durham, and I'm working as a temp at eight dollars an hour, with no health or vacation benefits.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Read on, and you'll find out how YOU can LOSE MONEY FAST!

The first step in LOSING MONEY FAST is deciding HOW much money YOU want to lose. Do you want to lose $1,000? Or do you want to go all the way and drop $50,000? It's up to you! Take a piece of paper and write down YOUR personal loss target. Take that number to a local graphic designer, and have him or her create a really nifty-looking design for that logo, in four-color seperations, with gold foil highlights. After you have your Loss Target in hand, take it to a framing studio, and get a cool-looking frame, maybe in with anodized black trim. Once you've got it all framed and nice-looking, PUT IT ON YOUR WALL, and be proud! You've just lost UP TO $500! That's right! By this time, you're already down FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, and that's only the BEGINNING! There's even BIGGER losses on the way!

The real secret of LOSING MONEY FAST is in VOLUME. Don't think about losing money a few bucks at a time, think of losing money HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS at a time. Here's how: Go to your bank or savings and loan, and withdraw an amount of money equal to your Loss Target. If you don't have that much in liquid assets, try selling your car, or even an organ or two. Ask for the money in small denominations, preferably dollar bills.

Then, go down to your local post office and ask about the rules and regulations governing mass mailings. Get a number of envelopes equal to your Loss Target, address them to OCCUPANT, and put a dollar bill inside each and every envelope. Then, take them down to your local post office, and send them off! You've just LOST BIG BUCKS! And it's NOT TAX DEDUCTIBLE! That's the danger in OTHER lose-money schemes...many of them are tax deductible, and some can even qualify you for charitable awards! But not LOSE.MONEY.FAST, because YOU cut out the middleman! YOUR money goes DIRECT from you to OTHER PEOPLE! No receipts! No records! Nothing except the thrill of seeing your bank account dwindle!

Here are a few comments by happy people who have LOST MONEY FAST!:

Mr. D. Terwilliger, of Pismo Beach, CA.: "I never thought I could lose money so fast, or so easily. The cash just seemed to vanish. It was exciting, and I got rid of all my money. I can't recommend LOSE.MONEY.FAST enough."

Ms. R.Swathmire, of Springview, VA: "Thank you for telling me how to LOSE MONEY FAST. I used to have to sweat through bank statements, credit reports, and dividend checks. Now, I don't have to worry about any of that!"

Mr. R.Cherminski, of Seattle, WA: "It's such a relief not to have to worry about my money any more. It's so different, now, I don't have a care in the world, and it's all thanks to LOSE.MONEY.FAST."

Take advantage of this new and exciting concept in fiscal management, and LOSE MONEY FAST!*

*as used by the U.S. Government.

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