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| Costello: | Hey, Abbott! |
| Abbott: | Yes, Lou? |
| Costello: | I just got my first computer. |
| Abbott: | That's great Lou. What did you get? |
| Costello: | A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. |
| Abbott: | That's terriffic, Lou. |
| Costello: | But I don't know what any of it means!! |
| Abbott: | You will in time. |
| Costello: | That's exactly why I am here to see you. |
| Abbott: | Oh? |
| Costello: | I heard that you are a real computer expert. |
| Abbott: | Well, I don't know... |
| Costello: | Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. |
| Abbott: | Really? |
| Costello: | Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. |
| Abbott: | Okay, Lou. What do you want to know? |
| Costello: | I am having no problems turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. |
| Abbott: | That's true. |
| Costello: | So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? |
| Abbott: | Well, first you press the Start button... |
| Costello: | No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. |
| Abbott: | I did. |
| Costello: | When? |
| Abbott: | When I told you to press the Start button? |
| Costello: | Why should I press the Start button? |
| Abbott: | To shut off the computer. |
| Costello: | I press Start to stop. |
| Abbott: | Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. |
| Costello: | I knew it! So what do I press? |
| Abbott: | Start. |
| Costello: | Start what? |
| Abbott: | Start button. |
| Costello: | Start button to do what? |
| Abbott: | Shut down. |
| Costello: | You don't have to get rude! |
| Abbott: | No, no, no! That's not what I meant. |
| Costello: | Then say what you mean. |
| Abbott: | To shut down the computer, press... |
| Costello: | Don't say, "Start!" |
| Abbott: | Then what do you want me to say? |
| Costello: | Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and the Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. |
| Abbott: | But that's what you do. |
| Costello: | And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. |
| Abbott: | Don't be ridiculous. |
| Costello: | I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation. |
| Abbott: | What are you talking about? |
| Costello: | I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. |
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollards in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the Process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, Judge, when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent for Apartment".
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady."
The blond haired wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the last week:
"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought the pumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.
"I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, 'For the love of God, Go!.. Go! Jesus Christ! Go!'
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
"Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst in to laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A coupld of the people were to caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
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