How to be Annoying
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc
file except the entry for . . .hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the
middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy
warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely
of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order
a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave
your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just
how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's
Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies"
over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and
simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse
your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape
mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy
a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie
jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE"
in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push
all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas
carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish
the 99 bottles of beer song.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
Leave
your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William
Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Drive
half a block.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people
what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out
of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely
handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Follow
a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making
presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name,
and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
Ask the waitress for an extra seat
for your "imaginary friend".
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Incessantly
recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a
"magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet
and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the
impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal
that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front
lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play
account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send
fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
