Wow, I haven't been this emotional for a long time.  I feel like a teenager first experiencing hormonal crying spells.  I know when the crappy physical feeling goes away, I will be jumping up and down for joy that I feel good again.  It's not like I want to go back and get more chemo, but I find myself all of the sudden thinking about the diagnosis itself.  This is really hard.  Brian has been very understanding and full of hugs and kisses for me.

 

There were some good things about chemo like not having to shave my legs or armpits regularly.  And who needs a bikini wax when you have chemo to take care of it?????  I have cut down on coffee cuz much of the time it just didn't have any appeal.  We have saved money on shampoo and creme rinse, and there is no need to lug a blow dryer in my gym bag.  When my appetite was down and the only thing that tasted good was ice cream, there was no guilt involved. (Green tea frappuccinos from Starbucks were also my friend!)  There's nothing to make you feel young again like getting an acne-like rash all over your back and stomach!  The best thing about chemo, though, is that it hopefully got rid of any cancer cells that may have been lurking in my body undetected. 

 

 

We started the day having breakfast with Bob and Stacy who were in town from the Tri-Cities.  Then it was up to the hospital.  I had a follow-up ultrasound on the area of concern in my remaining breast, and everything looks fine.  Then it was over to the infusion ward for my last dose of Gemcitabine.  Laurie B and Nicole joined us for this one.  We took bubbly cider with us to celebrate my last treatment and shared it with all the nurses and staff as well as the other patients that were there.  When we got ready to toast with the staff, they sang their farewell song to me with words such as "Hit the Road Jack.....no chemo no more, no more, no more....."  I knew it would make me cry and it did.  They have all been so terrific and caring, and they really enjoyed our crazy antics when we were there.

 

Both girls brought me gifts, and we spent some time trying on all the wigs in the donation closet at the ward.  It was pretty funny.  We know I don't look good as a brunette and the gray-haired school marm just isn't my look either.  Laurie and Nicole had fun with them, too, and we even got Brian to let us put the long, blond tress wig on him.  He looked like an 80s hair band guy. And no, I did not stick any of these in my underwear!

 

Walking out the door at the end of the session was extremely difficult, and I am crying sitting here writing this.  I am so glad I can look forward to feeling well consistenly again, and I am excited to get back to work and back to being able to do the things I love.  At the same time, it is really frightening to make this transition.  For months now I have been under continuous care from my doctors, oncology nurse and all the great people at the infusion center.  Together, we have been waging the physical battle against cancer, but I feel like I've been able to leave it in their hands.  Now it's back in mine, and I feel like I'm getting ready to jump out of an airplane without a parachute.  But I know that I still do have a parachute on my back that will help me land safely, and that is the love and caring of my wonderful husband, my family and friends, my fabulous fire department, and of course, my kitty cats. 

 

I am sure, just as I did 8 1/2 years ago when I finished my first round of breast cancer treatments, that as I do get back to a life no longer filled with getting chemo and spending my days coping with side effects that I will be so happy this phase is over.  But it is a transition and a very emotionally challenging one.

 

Tomorrow we have some landscapers coming over to help us with our plans to put a dry riverbed in our front yard.  The Kirkland Firefighters Benevolent Association kept asking what they could do for us that would be meaningful.  We kept telling them that we are doing fine and not really in need.  But when Mark B mentioned yardwork, I mentioned that we have a bunch of ivy we started getting rid of last year, and if someone could help us with that, it would give us a good start on our plans.  My engineer's wife is a landscape designer, and we've had her come up with some great plans for us.  Anyways, they are going way beyond what we could have ever asked for and are helping us with this huge project.  It will be wonderful to see beauty out there instead of the eyesore we have right now. 

 

As you can see, the giving just continues and there are more things coming up that I will write about as they happen.  I still maintain that in spite of the medical difficulties I have been challenged with in life, I am the luckiest person I know because the goodness I am surrounded is so much greater.

 

 

Wow, I can hardly believe we will make our last trip to the chemotherapy infusion center today.  In some ways it seems like this has gone on for a long, long time.  But looking back, it seems I just started. 

 

I can certainly tell that it's become harder to recover from the treatments as time has gone on.  The Taxol pains went on for longer this time, and my feet feel quite a bit more numb than they were.  I'm even feeling numbness in my hands now.  The rash, though only painful to my psyche, flared up again.  The worst, though, is that chemo crud feeling.  When I feel lousy like that, I just get emotional and cry frequently.  When I feel good again, I wonder why I was so emotional.  

 

One of our fire chick girlfriends, Kris, had a bunch of us over Sat night.  Brian was on shift, but surprised me by taking vacation for the last part and showing up!  It was awesome.  I was feeling pretty bad that night, so of course, the emotions were flowing, too.  My girls presented me with this great little book on friendship into which they had all written their own comments.  Yep, the tears flowed.

 

Yesterday was the first day I really started to feel OK again.  Brian and I went to the gym, and I tried to push myself.  Bad idea....  I suddenly felt very dizzy and broke out into a clammy sweat.  Brian said my pupils were really dilated, too.  I had to sit for a while and let that feeling subside.  I was able to continue working out but at a much lower intensity.  The poor old bod was saying "You're not ready for this yet."

 

After the workout we had some errands to run, and I had told Brian I was just going to towel dry and change at the gym, then shower when I got home after we did our running around.  He said "You're going to stink - you need to take a shower."  I insisted that without armpit hair growing, I don't get stinky as easily, but he was more insistent that I take a shower.  I later found out why.  We did our running around, then as we pulled into the neighborhood, I saw a vehicle with Firefighter plates on it.  I just figured it was someone visiting one of our neighbors.  Then we came around the corner into our cul-de-sac, and I saw a bunch more.  It stated dawning on me that maybe the drivers of these vehicles were here for us.  Standing in my driveway in front of a big pink sign was a group of my friends waiting to surprise me!  Our dear friend Heather talked to Brian weeks ago about having a surprise party for me at the end of chemo.  They had decorated the house, there was yummy food on the table, wonderful gifts, flowers, and pictures on the wall of chemo sessions, head shaving party and more.  I was absolutely stunned.  Brian has never managed to pull of a surprise for me, and I really had not a clue about this one.  I found out numerous people had to tell me lies over these last several weeks because I kept throwing wrenches into the plan.  I'm never one to make things easy..... It was so wonderful to celebrate the end of chemo with people that mean so much to me. 

 

Through all the ups and downs I have gone through from the time I was diagnosed with this second breast cancer, one thing that has remained constant is the love we are surrounded by.  I write in this blog about so many of the things that have been done for us, but there is always more.  Sometimes I almost feel overwhelmed thinking "I hope I can give back even half of what's been given to me."  There are no words to truly express the gratitude we have in our hearts.

 

So in a few hours we head to the hospital to, in the famous words of Larry the Cable Guy "Git Er Done!"

The time off from chemo continued to be great.  We went to a climbing gym with our friend Monica and got to see her lovely pink hair in person.  The climbing was fun.  We had not done it in so long that our arms tired easily, but we were still able to do 5.9 climbs.  My wonderful lieutenant, who is now retired, hosted a dinner for a group of us, and it was so great getting to see some of my coworkers.  We also went to see Stomp with some good friends and so enjoyed the show.  The girls and I went for a spa day at Olympus which is always a treat.

 

We had another photo session with Lynette Johnson, and I just got the photos back.  I find it amazing that I look at those pictures and feel so accepting.  I have a scar where a breast used to be, I am bald, I have a chest port sticking out.  And yet knowing I have had to do these things to save my life makes it all OK.  And of course, Brian is so accepting of me just as I am.  I love the pictures of us together.  They really show his caring wrapped around me - Lynette has an incredible ability to capture that on film.  Brian has a more difficult time seeing the pictures, not because he sees disfigurement but because he sees his wife as a cancer patient again. 

 

After all the fun, it was time to go get more chemo.  Nicole, Jodi and and Deanna joined us and they made it into a big Mexican Fiesta.  They brought food, sombreros, margaritas (the virgin variety of course), decorations for the room, wind up toys, a green hair piece for me and more.  The nurses knew ahead of time we'd probably have a big group, so they had given us the room at the end of the hall to ourselves.  It really was festive.   I wore my "Hooter" shirt (with the "s" crossed out), too.

 

I had mentioned the Mexican theme to Patti, my oncology nurse, beforehand and she had asked if we were going to have a bean farting fest.  So of course, we had to take the fart machine with us.  At the appt with her prior to the infusion, Brian taped it under her chair.  Unfortunately, she knows us well and knew right away what it was.  We had more fun with it at the infusion center, too.

 

I surprised everyone with some of my own tricks.  I took the coconut shell bra with the band-aid on the left side that our friends gave me as well as the "Big Girl Panties" from my sister-in-law (metric size 48!).  I came out of the bathroom wearing that stuff just as the nurse walked in the room.  We had fun taking goofy pictures and then going throughout the ward handing out candy to all the other patients getting chemo.

 

By the end of the day I was really starting to feel it.  It's so strange to walk in feeling 100% normal and leave a few hours later feeling like you've been beat up.  Now it's back to confronting each side effect as it comes along.  There's benadryl for the allergic reaction to Gemcitabine as well as the skin cream to put on, anti-nausea pills, Magic Mouthwash for the mouth and throat sores, gargling with salt water for the "chemo tongue," Glutamine for the numbness in my feet, etc.  The time is getting close, though, when I can plan my life around a work schedule rather than when I feel well vs when I feel shitty.  Patti feels I can be back to work by early June.  That's not far away.

 

It looks like I will go ahead and do Tamoxifen after chemo.  This drug blocks estrogen from getting into cells.  Some cancers "feed" on estrogen, so the thought is that for those cells not wiped out by chemo, Tamoxifen can prevent them from forming tumors.  It is usually used in women whose tumors are positive for estrogen receptors.  In many aggressive cancers, the cells lose these receptors, so Tamoxifen would have no effect.  The first test they ran on my biopsy samples to see if they had the receptors came back with a high background level and only showed a weakly positive result.  Biopsy samples are usually not totally accurate anyways.  The test on the mastectomy sample showed it to be negative for receptors.  Julie Gralow, an oncologist at SCCA, had a patient one time with this rare type of cancer that I have (metaplastic) that tested negative at diagnosis for receptors, but she had a recurrence 10 years later that tested positive.  So she, along with my oncologist (Eric Chen) recommend the Tamoxifen for me.  I felt hesitant at first to do it as it is 5 years of taking this drug and there is a slight risk of uterine cancer.  But the potential benefit does outweigh the risk, and since so little is known about the kind of cancer I have, I feel I need to do everything I can possibly do now to make sure it doesn't come back.

 

Along those same lines, I met with a naturopath yesterday who specializes in cancer.  I will work with her on immune strengthening strategies after chemo is over.

 

As the day after chemo usually isn't too bad (I usually start feeling really crappy two days later) we accepted in invitation to some friends house for dinner last night.  I felt so exhausted I didn't even make it through dinner.  I ended up sleeping on the couch surrounded by their dogs while everyone else ate.  I am feeling the cumulative effect of doing this for 3 months now.  When we got home, I got a big shock - there was a very large stuffed tiger on the top of the truck in the driveway.  Anyone out there fessing up to putting it there????

 

I got a call the other day from a woman that worked at Fred Hutch while I was there.  I had not talked with her for over 3 years.  She had gone to an auction where you can bid on being a judge for our local firefighter calendar that supports the burn foundation.  One of the guys I work with, Rick, who was in the calendar this year, was telling her he had shaved his head to support a firefighter he works with.  She knew right away it was me.  She called me and offered me her spot to be a judge.  This is really incredible as I know these spots auction off at several thousand dollars each!  It will be a great experience for me.  I had wanted to compete for a spot in it but decided I needed to focus on my healing rather than committing to that, so this gives me an opportunity to be involved!  What a generous gift.

 

Next Thursday is my last treatment.  I know it will be bittersweet - so glad to be done with it and so afraid to be finished, too. 

A dear friend I met several years ago has done something very cool.  I met Monica through Team Survivor, a fitness organization with a variety of activities for female cancer survivors.  Monica, though never having gone through this herself, has dedicated herself to training and working with these women through the years.  She is wonderful.  Another friend of ours from Team Survivor was diagnosed with a recurrence of her breast cancer around the same time I got my second diagnosis.  To show her support for us, Monica cut her hair off to donate to Locks of Love, and her hair was quite long.  The pictures she sent to us were so cool - she's wearing a pink robe, has a bouquet of pink flowers, and her hair is spiky and pink!  It was beautiful.  I will be seeing her today and can't wait to see the new look in person.

 

When my friend Betsy first told me she was going to knit me some fake titties, I could never have imagined how wonderful they would be.  Though I do have a regular prosthesis which I do need to wear with certain shirts, my knitted titties go with me almost everywhere.  Betsy - these gems are extremely popular.  I have flashed them many times;  I just can't help myself.  The favorite is the pink and purple one with the "nipple ring." 

 

I went in for a fabulous massage yesterday - one of my massage therapists has generously given me some sessions at no cost.  More amazing kindness!

 

Thanks for the yummy treats you have baked for us, gifts, visits, calls, emails, support for our team "Camari's Mammaries," making me smile and laugh and for listening.  I hear from many that you check in on me regularly through this site, and I am grateful for that.

 

I am feeling great right now and will enjoy each day of "freedom" I have this week.

Thought I would let you all know after that last posting with all the complaining that I am feeling much better.  This really is a big roller coaster ride, with lots of ups and downs. 

 

The facial was fabulous!  My skin was really looking haggard.  Even Brian agreed that the fatigue was starting to show in my face, and I just looked tired.  I think this helped.

 

I got up yesterday and actually wanted coffee again.  That's always a good sign.  I went to the gym, and though I had a good workout, I did notice that I got dizzy and and winded easily.  I'd guess my counts may be low and anemia may account for those symptoms.  It felt great to get in and do something; I just have to adjust my training to how I'm feeling.

 

Had lunch with some dear friends aftewards.  It's great to be back in the land of the living.  The best part is, I don't have to get any chemo this week!  It's party time now.  Brian calls it my "chemo kelly week" in reference to firefighter kelly days (shifts we get off to balance out the schedule).  I love my chemo kellys.

 

Please keep my friend, Tanya, in your thoughts, too.  She is at the beginning of her chemo treatments and is having a really rough time.  She has 5 more months to go, too, AND has two small children at home.  Her husband, John is doing a great job of taking care of her.  Cancer really sucks - it goes after the nicest people.

Things got pretty rough after my last posting.  The Taxol pains kicked in with a vengeance.  Brian said I was whimpering all night in my sleep one night.  I took a sleeping pill, so I could just try to sleep through it because I have woken up hurting with them previously.  Lucky for me, mine last about 3-4 days rather than the 7-10 that they say they can go on. 

 

I never completely felt well before going in for the next dose of Gemcitabine on the 6th.  I was pretty nauseated still, so I was dreading getting more chemo.  It doesn't seem that the nausea got worse with it, though, it's just hanging on.  At least I am able to eat without getting sick.  I've also developed what they call "chemo tongue."  We've always used Close-up toothpaste because we like that strong cinnamon flavor, but it became too painful to use it.  They said to use this bland paste called Biotene and to gargle frequently with salt water.  It's helped with the pain, but now my taste buds don't seem to be working.  I can taste sweet stuff OK, but not other flavors.  It's really weird. 

 

My rash has continued to get worse.  It looks like acne all over my back, stomach, arms and some on my face.  It's bad enough to feel like crap without having this last insult to my appearance.  Oh well, hopefully it will go away when I finish the treatment.  My sinuses have also dried out and I get dried blood caking in my nose.  What a joy!

 

We did manage some fun in between the last two treatment.  I've had some friends come over to visit and hang out, we've met up with other friends, and we went to a Mariner's game with a bunch of people from Kirkland Fire and their families.  We also recorded some Public Service Announcements for the upcoming Race for the Cure.  They recorded several pieces - one 60 seconds with both Brian and I, one 30 second segment with both of us again, and then we each recorded 15 second pieces separately.  They will be distributed to a bunch of local radio stations to play. 

 

We are excited about the Race in June.  We are getting people signing up for "Camari's Mammaries" and many of you are donating to it, too.  We thank you for that support in addition to everything else you offer us.  You just can't imagine all that has been done for us and continues to happen.  We are so lucky.

 

I'm going to get a facial today.  A little pampering when you feel awful never hurts.  I've had several gifts of massages and spa services which I am really enjoying!

Who ever knew you could have fun at chemo?  My younger brother, Aaron, had sent a Rastafarian wig he'd found in Jamaica.  It has a little colorful beanie cap with the nice long dreadlocks cascading down.  I wore that one into my appointment with my Oncology Nurse, Patti Kwok.  We have remained good friends since she was my nurse during my first episode of cancer.  She also knows my twisted sense of humor.  When she came into the room, I asked her in a serious voice "Have you ever had a patient with this side effect?" as I lifted my skirt.  I had stuffed a big afro wig in my panties and had nice, curly black hair hanging out on all sides.  She was hysterical with laughter and said she wanted to show one of the other nurses.  She ran and got her, and played it up like she wanted her to evaluate a side effect one of her patients was having.  When I pulled my skirt up to show this nurse, she stared speechless for a few seconds before she realized it wasn't real.  It was a riot.

 

We went over to the infusion center after that and were joined by three of our "fire chick" friends - Deanna, Jodi and Nicole (Brian has become an honorary "hot fire chick" too).  They were great company and we had fun trading off the dreadlocks and afro and taking pictures.  There was also some telling of dirty jokes.  There was a family in the same room with us. The lady was having her first dose of chemo for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Her husband and grown daughter were with her.  When they got ready to go, she said "I didn't expect to come to chemo and have fun.  I hope you are here again when I come back next."  They were very sweet people. 

 

The chest port sure makes it easy.  I hardly feel it when the poke the skin to access it, and I don't feel the chemo going in at all.  It was a wise decision to get it in.

 

Though I felt out of it that night and bit nauseated, it wasn't nearly as bad as the beginning of the last cycle when I got both drugs.  Patti had put in an order for me to get a whole liter of saline during the infusion rather than enough to dilute the drug.  She said the more fluid you get, the less likely you are to have nausea.  I felt fabulous yesterday, but am starting to feel worse today.  That's the pattern it seems to take.  The mouth sores are already kicking in, and I feel a bit feverish. 

 

We bought new road bikes this week!  We had given up cycling for a long time because we were doing these really long rides on mountain bikes and just got tired of it.  When I was rediagnosed, Brian started thinking it would be great to get back into it.  It was such a great therapy for me before.  He's getting the bikes outfitted with pedals, computers, lights, etc and when I'm feeling good again, we'll get em out on the roads.  Can't wait!

 

We finally got our team registered for the Race for the Cure, "Camari's Mammaries."  The name is courtesy of my friend Kris.  I knew she'd think of something good.  We will be doing some events to raise money, and it should be a great day.  Luckily I will be finished with chemo by then.