"The SALAMI Snooze" On-line edition, April 1, 1997 — Page 6

Bonus Article #1: An Interview with "Deep Pockets"

One of the recent April Fool's Day articles that appeared on Safe Harbor's AMIGA/NEWS web site stated that Gateway 2000's purchase of the Amiga was going to be blocked by some familiar faces: Jack Tramiel, Irving Gould and Mehdi Ali. In honor of that, here's a blast from the past:

Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
By Chad Freeman (cjfst4+@pitt.edu)

Well, its once again time for your irregularly-appearing moronic, inane and gratuitous article (yay!). I have to admit to you folks, its getting harder and harder to be funny about a dying computer platform. Commodore is in pretty dire straits at the moment, and while I've ridden out worse storms than this one, it never puts me in a good mood. Its because, like most of the Amiga users out there now, I am not just a user, I'm a fan. I think that's what seperates people who own an Amiga from other platforms with less personality. And lets face it, the Amiga has lots of personality. From Guru Meditation Errors to Video Toasters, the Amiga is platform that stands out in today's drab world of look-alike, act-alike carbon-copy machinery. Of course, that's the Amiga's biggest drawback as well as its biggest asset. The advertising slogan that most truthfully describes our favorite machine is "The Commodore Amiga. Its Kinda Wierd."
     Which brings us back to this article, which is REALLY wierd. The AMTL (Amiga Mis-Testing Labs) has been busy recently with its move to the Love Canal, but 5 moving vans, 13,204 boxes and approximately 1 million searth-friendly packing peanuts later, they have finally nestled in to their new quarters and are back to mis-testing the latest hardware and software for your Amiga. Watch for a report soon from that wacky crew (Hi Moe, Larry, Laverne and Charlie! How's the glow down there?). In the meantime, I would like to present to you a special interview with someone very high up in the Commodore chain, who has never granted an interview before, and appears here only on condition his identity is not revealed. What he has to say is shocking, so pay close attention. And now, here it is...


AMIGA: So what should we call you?

SRHUIC: Call me Deep Pockets.

AMIGA: OK, Deep Pockets, you hold a position very high-up in the Commodore organization. What exactly is going on there nowadays?

DP: Well, as you know Commodore is in a bit of trouble right now. But I am here to reassure everyone here that Commodore will soon be making a big announcement that will brighten everyone's hopes for the future.

AMIGA: Can you give us some hints as to what that announcement will involve?

DP: No, but I can say there was an interesting report on the UPI wire this week about a new Japanese development. Apparently the Japanese have invented technology to turn sewage into sausages!


DP: That's right! Now I can't say what this has to do with Commodore, but there's definately a relation between the two!

AMIGA: Umm, OK. Well, what new developments on the computer front does Commodore have up its sleeve?



DP: Well, the crack, highly-paid Commodore Engineering Staff is working on some exciting new products, and THOSE I can tell you about.

AMIGA: Please go on...

DP: Well, the Amiga has turned out to be a computer that can emulate almost any other computer out there, right? Well, with that kind of ability, one doesn't really need AmigaDOS to sell these machines, right? So, the Commodore Engineering Staff is now working on the Commodore Emulator Machine (CEM), an exciting new platform that we think will sell in the hundreds!

AMIGA: Uh, why wouldn't people just buy the other machines? They usually run better than the emulators (although the Implant is the exception, see the AMTL report a while back!).

DP: Hmm, uh, well, umm, oh, heck. Hold on a sec, I have to use the phone.

AMIGA: Sure...

DP: Ok, I'm back. Well, anyway, aside from the recently discontinued CEM, our crack Engineering Staff has also been working on an exciting new games console, the VT^32!


DP: Yes, the CD^32 was just at too high a price point for most consumers, who aren't willing to pay more than about $150 for a game machine. So we looked for ways to cost-reduce it even further. We thought about selling it without the controllers, documentation, plastic case, box, power cord, and solder, but then I came up with a brilliant concept; replace the CD player with a videotape player! Who needs niceties such like random access? We'll give it to 'em for $60 and they'll eat it up!

AMIGA: You're a looney!

DP: But wait! There's more! We're changing our name! We will no longer be Commodore Business Machines! Instead, we'll be Internal Brighteyed Numbercrunches! IBN! People will just think its a misprint of IBM and buy our machines in droves! And we'll put a little plum with a bite out of it on the box! And advertise our machines as 100% IBM compatible, and say in small print (with seperate computer)! I'm a genius! I love myself! I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darnit, people LIKE ME! I'll make a billion! I'll make a trillion! I'm AWESOME! Hey, where's that guy with the middle-eastern sounding name that I can never remember! I've got to tell him about my new idea, Commodore Commodes! HAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! I'll show you yet, mom! I CAN be on my own! HEHEHEHEHEHE!

(At this point DP ran out of the room, laughing uncontrollably and leaving a trail of drool in his wake).

Well, there you have it folks. I don't know about you, but IG, I mean, DP has reinstilled my faith in Commodore as a business powerhouse. See you next time!

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