"The SALAMI Snooze" On-line edition, April 1, 1997 — Page 7

Bonus Article #2: Amiga-Inspired TV Shows"

Another Moronic, Inane and Gratuitous Article
By Chad Freeman (cjfst4+@pitt.edu)


Well, its fall again, and you know what that means. That's right, the summer doldrums of T.V. reruns are over, and the fall doldrums of new series have begun. And what a better place to talk about the new season than in a moronic, inane and gratuitous article? So, with further adieu, here are my picks for the best and worst shows of the season.

  • BABY-LEN 5: Yes, that's right, yet another spin-off of Look Who's Talking hits the small screen. The twist is that Lenny can only think five words, 'Mama, Hypoglycemia, Tesseract, Kumquat, and Cyndicrawford,' but unfortunately after the first three minutes of hysterical laughter as Lenny tells his hypoglycemic mother where to put the kumquat, its all over for this show. The only reason to watch is the awesome special effects. In fact, EVERY scene is generated ENTIRELY by a network of 5,000 Amigas with Screeching Video Cement Mixers installed. Needless to say, this saved TONS of money on cast, crew, equipment, etc., while also purchasing twice as many Amigas as were sold in the United States in the past three months. For that reason alone, I give BABY-LEN 5 a whopping 5 gurus!
  • SEE-QIX RBG: Finally, a show for all of us closet Qix fans! See-Qix RBG (the RBG stands for Really Boring Game) is 30 minutes of Qix action on the small screen! Yes, that's right, you get to watch the likes of Peter Falk, Axl Rose, and Dave Haynie playing Qix each and every week! I must say, I was thoroughly impressed by this show. A special version of Qix was programmed especially for the Amiga and Video Char-Broiler, complete with flying logos and a special 3-d board! See-Qix RBG gets a big 4.131519 gurus!
  • ANIMORONIACS: Weiner Brothers' and Stephen Spillburg's new show is apparently supposed to be some sort of replacement for Tiny Toon Adventures. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. -3 gurus (and we want more Tiny Toons!).
  • NHPD BLUE: The newest series from Steven Botchedup has been billed as 'pornographic' and 'the first R-Rated TV show.' It takes place in New Hampshire, one of the most BORING places in earth (New Hampshirites, please direct all comments to ROB_G@delphi.com :-), and that's why they have to put lots of sex, nudity and foul language in it. Since this reviewer really _likes_ that kind of stuff, NHPD Blue gets 4.7 gurus.
  • FLOOSIER: That's right, the infamous Floosier Crane, that wacky cross-dressing manic-depressive from Cheerios is back with his own doomed spin-off show! Floosier's antics are typically inane, it feels like Cheerios without the bar. Be sure to pass this one up, even if you have to watch opera on PBS to do it. -10 gurus.
  • THE JON CROQUETTE SHOW: The man from Lite Court has also landed his own series, but refreshingly, this show doesn't leech off of a previous series like some other unnamed sitcoms. Jon really shows his acting versatility in this show, playing one of those guys who work in the bathrooms at fancy restaurants. His antics with the shaving cream are particularly funny. Check it out! 3.9 gurus.

Well, there you have it, AMIGA's picks for the best and worst shows of the season. As an indicator of how accurate our ratings are, last year's "best" picks corresponded with emmy-winning shows exactly 0% of the time, which means we're really on target, cause none of those shows people like ever win an emmy, do they?

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