The Wells Brothers: Stuff We Hate

January 13, 2001 The Wells Brothers: Stuff We Hate

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Smoking
We regualrly ask for the "militant non-smoking section" in restaurants etc.

The Indy Car Civil-War
CART vs. IRL. This is racing's equivalent of the baseball strike. The Powers that Be are certainly hurting themselves. Many fans are saying "A pox on both your houses" and are defecting to NASCAR. Even some drivers (Tony Stewart, e.g.) are defecting! The idiots in charge are hurting the fans too, but we're not sure they care. IRL and CART are doing their best (though unintentionally) to destroy open-wheel racing in America. If they don't settle this thing fast, there's not going to be anything left! They're each so worried that the other side is going to get all the money that they failed to notice that Bill France and Bernie Ecclestone are eating their lunches!

BMWs
BMWs were the arch-rivals of Capris in Group 2 racing back in the '70s. More offensive than the cars though, are the drivers. Some of our British friends have described BMW drivers as "first class plonkers". Most often, BMW drivers are rich and arrogant. It's theoretically possible that a decent sort of person could drive a BMW, but we have yet to see an example. We have intercepted a letter to BMW owners which proves our point: Click Here to see more.....
So what does BMW really stand for anyway? Here are some suggestions:
- Bought My Wife
- Be My Warning Jeff Concoy, Oak Ridge, NJ
- Be My Wabbit

SUVs
Stupid Ugly Vehicles, the curse of American roads in the '90s. They wouldn't offend us so much if people actually used them for the capabilities they have, (i.e. plowing snow, going off-roading regularly, or towing a large race trailer) but most of them end up commuting and grocery shopping.
Their size makes it difficult to see around them. An SUV parked on a corner can block the view of a whole street, which can make it hard to get in and out of places. When an SUV pulls up next to you at an intersection, it blocks your view so badly that you can't even make a right turn!
Another offensive thing about SUVs is the fact that they are exempt from many Federal regulations that we're forced to obey. They are exempt from bumper height restrictions, and they get easier emissions standards.
Worse still is the trend toward luxury SUVs. You get all the worst traits of luxury car drivers, combined with the worst traits of 4WD drivers.
As to their vaunted safety, remember that their high center of gravity makes them easier to roll. Also, 4 wheel drive might make it easier to go in the snow, but it doesn't help your ability to STOP! Finally, remember that the better the 4 wheel drive, the further out you get stuck.
So what does SUV really stand for anyway? Here are some suggestions:
- Stupid Ugly Vehicle LHW & DRW
- Super Ugly Vehicle K., Aberdeen, NJ
- Shopping Utility Vehicle Curt Schwartzwalder, Jacksonville, FL
If you really want to drive a tank, join the Army!
See what the late, great Jeff MacNelly, (Dave's favorite cartoonist) had to say about SUVs in his comic strip "Shoe".

Microsoft
Mediocre software at premium prices. Billgatus of Borg will assimilate everyone if we're not careful! We both do Windows, but neither of us like it. Larry has a certain addiction to DOS. (but then, he thinks that the old TI 99/4 is a real computer, and even has a CP/M machine in his cellar somewhere.....) Dave prefers UNIX, (he still occasionally writes documents in troff) and believes Linux is our only hope.......
Did Bill Gates really sell his soul to the Devil? Click here and find out! (Sorry AT&T employees, but access is restricted by the Proxy. Even the Death Star has been assimilated! Check Dave's AT&T internal web page for copies.....)
Of course, there are some solutions for dealing with Mr. Gates and his bloated software.....

Spam
The cholesterol of the Internet. Spam may doom the Net just as overpowered radios doomed CB in the '70s. The concept is similar: make so much noise that it drowns out legitimate communications.
Can we stop it? Maybe. Try some of these links:
- Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial E-mail
- Spam Recycling Center
And don't forget to TURN THE COOKIES OFF on your browser!!

Politicians
How can you tell when a politician is lying to you? His lips are moving!! We've seen enough politicians to know that they all lie. None can be trusted.
Politics has become nasty, divisive, and unproductive. The major parties seem increasingly out of touch with reality, concerning themselves only with their own continued place in office. Their issues are not our issues. Leadership has fallen by the wayside.
So what can be done? Short of running for Emperor, we can at least remind the politicians just how silly they are:
- Laugh in their faces whenever possible.
- Make fun of them.
- Hit them in the face with pies.
- Publicly point out their more obvious lies.
Their lies and stupid policies are intended to make US look stupid, so let's make THEM look stupid!
Finally, never give them money. P. J. O'Rourke said it best: "Giving power and money to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."