I apologize for not posting the past couple days. Our work days have been busy and the nights seem busier. Sarah and I go see Tristan's bed each night after work. It is a great feeling when we are there because although we know he is with us in spirit at every moment, it also feels good being together physically. We talk about our days and talk about Tristan. We tell each other stories about things Tristan had done while in hospital and things we would have liked to see him do throughout his life at home. Although it is tough when we think about all the things we will never get to see Tristan do, it is comforting to imagine him growing up and all the "first moments" all children go through. I sometimes imagine him stumbling from the table to the couch as he takes his first steps. The only problem is it usually ends in me crying and missing him more. Sarah and I are taking baby steps now as we imagine seeing our little Tristan grow up. We do get to talk a lot every night which is great. Our relationship has flourished since Tristan was born from what we felt was a great relationship before. The hardest part of the night is when we go to sleep. I have been able to sleep through the nights fairly well but Sarah still struggles to sleep without waking up multiple times. The hardest time for us is not being able to kiss Tristan goodnight and rubbing his head until he sleeps. These are things that are taken for granted until you don't have them. We have also have become more attached to each other. If Sarah is leaving, I am going to. If I go for a walk, she is right there with me. Our strength multiplies when we are together. We don't want to be apart any more than we have to be.

We did purchase the web space for Tristan's new site. The site will be www.HeartofaHammer.com. Now Sarah and I are going to learn together how to build a website. Once it is setup we will post it on the blog. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support.

Everyone says time heals all wounds. When something happens in your life you learn to grow, accept it and most importantly, learn from it. I felt like I was staying strong and accepting that Tristan is in a better place but tonight was a different story. Tonight I realized that this will not be something I can accept for a long time. I have been as strong as I could be through the entire process but tonight it caught up with me. I miss my son Tristan. I miss him more than you could ever imagine. I realized no matter how much I miss him the only time I can see him is in his pictures and in my dreams. He fought so hard during his short period here with us. I try my hardest not to complain or blame God but it is hard. Why and how does God think we can handle this? Tristan did everything he could do to get through surgery and his rehabilitation but his anatomy would not allow him to remain with us. What makes God think we are strong enough? I pray he gives us the answer because this is hard. I miss Tristan, I miss him so much. I can't wait for him to visit me in my dreams.

This is from a prayer card that a friend gave us today:

In Time Of Loss:
Lonely is the home without you, Life to us is not the same;
All the world would be like heaven, If we could have you back again.
A light is from our household gone, A voice we loved is still,
A place is vacant in our home, That never can be filled.
May the God of Love and Mercy, Care our loved one who is gone,
And bless with consolation, Those left to carry one.
The happy hours we once enjoyed, How sweet their memory still,
But death has left a vacant place, This world can never fill.
How dearly we loved you, And prayed you might live,
But Jesus just beckoned, And we had to give.
God gave us strength to bear it, And courage to fight the blow,
What it has meant to lose you, God alone will ever know.

Well today David and I returned to work. We had originally planned to go back on Monday and we just could not do it yet. Today, it wasn't easy, but we managed to get up when the alarm sounded and go about our "normal" routine of getting ready for work. There was such a mix of emotions this morning while contemplating going to work. Of course it would be fairly normal to feel awkward after being off of work for awhile, regardless of our more recent history, but this was more than that. A part of me was looking forward to having something else to occupy my thoughts and another part was scared to give up any of my mind to anything other that Tristan. It feels like a slippery slope. It is a sort of guilty feeling to know that I spent any 'large' amount of time thinking about something so trivial as work. And once I start to do that I fear that I will spend less and less time thinking about Tristan and then it is only a matter of time before...I begin to forget things...
Today I had a simultaneous desire to talk about Tristan to everyone that would listen while at the same time I feared that someone might ask me about him. I want to cover my office with pictures, like any new mother, but I am scared to be constantly reminded of what I have lost. I don't want to make people around me feel awkward or uneasy but no matter how hard I try, I cannot pretend that I have not just suffered the biggest loss I could ever imagine.
Today was the first day going back to reality and it was not an easy step. We know that each day will get a little easier and we are being sure to lean on each other for support. It was so nice to get home from work and be able to go see Tristan. We took Oliver with us for the first time and had a very nice walk knowing Tristan was close. It was great to confide in each other about how our day went and know that there is at least one person who knows exactly how I felt all day. David has continually referred to me as his rock, but tonight, he was mine. Tomorrow will be another day and we will get through it together with our angel Tristan watching over us.

If I could write from Heaven, this is what I'd say, Please don't miss me too much, I'm with you throughout your day. You may not see or hear me, but if you're quiet and still, You may just feel my presence; because, in Heaven, there is free will. Don't worry for the day, it will come and go as planned, Enjoy each moment you are given, keep worry from your hand. Keep sorrow to a minimum; For if Heaven you could see, You'd know I'm safe and happy, I did not cease to be. Moments in time are brief, until we'll be together again, as Eternity lasts forever, our lives, they have no end.

This was from a card received today. It has a great message that touched us when we read it. We will continue to post a message each evening since we will be at work during the day. In the following months we will also try to get the new website up and running. Once we have the address it will be posted.

Have a great Wednesday and take a moment to compliment someone. Positivity spreads.

The world, however beautiful, was never meant to The place that we would call our home for eternity.

And though we would not choose to leave, a loving God knows best, And in His time, He lifts us to a place of peace and rest.

For He has built a mansion where His children will abide, Free from pain and sorrow, forever at His side. And though there may be many things that we cannot explain, We can be sure it breaks His heart to see His children's pain.

In loving arms, He bears us to a quiet place apart Where He mends the wounded spirit and heals the broken heart.

And though these ones we love so much have left our present sight And passed into a better world of majesty and light, Someday we'll be together in our Father's home above Where we'll thank Him for His mercy and praise Him for His love.

This was a card that was sent from a friend of ours mother and father. Tristan is in a better place and one day Sarah and I will hold him again. But until then we will see a reminder of Tristan everyday which will make us both happy and sad. We are so proud of our little angel and will never stop missing him. We love you Tristan. Help keep us strong.

This was found on a website I viewed as well as a poem written by a mother who lost a child.

7-8-9

Is more than a cool number sequence to me.
It's the day you should have been in your Mommy's arms.
Dear Child, please know you are not forgotten.
You are thought of every day.

My heart will always ache to know more
about who you would have been.
I wish I knew your favorite show
Your favorite bedtime story.

My arms reach up to heaven
to reach for your sweet, chubby cheeks
to touch your tiny nose
to cuddle you close.

This hole in my heart will always remain.
It can not be filled by time
It can not be filled by other children.
It's my space I keep just for you.

So reach down for me now
and know that every tear Mommy cries on this day.
Is just a symbol of how very loved you are
My sweet Angel Baby.


We did not return to work yet today. We are going to take a couple more days to be together and prepare for the new normal. Tristan we truly love and miss you.

Waking up this morning things become a little more difficult. We had planned on going to church this morning but are just not ready for that big of a crowd yet. Our return to work is still looming too. We are planning on returning to work tomorrow but are nervous that it will be too much too soon. Our lives have changed and will never be the same which makes it that much harder to do ordinary day to day activities. We have continued to receive unbelievable support from friends and family. Tristan would have been 2 months old today and we miss him dearly. Sarah and I have been going on daily walks at parks and seeing Tristan's bed at least once a day too. Sarah has been my "rock" as I have stated before. She can tell when I am starting to get emotional and is quickly there to talk about it and ease my mind. We did receive the final blessing that was read to us during his final hours. It was mailed to us by St. Vincents. We thought Tristan's supporters would like to read it.

Goodbye Blessing

Gracious God, we acknowledge Tristan as we lift up our broken hearts and prayers to you.

We acknowledge Tristan's name as a sign of your uniqueness. Tristan, you are beloved to us and before God. By this name you will be remembered.

Tristan, your parents have loved and cherished you as you grew in the darkness of your mother's womb. We pray, God, that you receive Tristan into your caring arms. Grant this precious child complete contentment and security in your eternal love.

Through scripture we know of the special place You hold for infants and children. May Tristan be welcomed into that special place of care that You hold for them.

Sarah and David, may the God of consolation be with you in your sorrow and grief. May your friends and family surround you in their hearts with love and kindness.

May your faith sustain you where there is no understanding; give you hope when you feel hopeless and light when you experience only the darkness.

Be with this family as they grieve, and draw them close together in your healing love. You are present in their love and care for one another.

All this we ask in the name of the One who calls us to love.

Amen.

This was a poem that was sent to us by Tristan's great aunt.

Gods Loan

I'll lend for a little time, a child of mine he said. For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be one or two months or twenty-two or three. But will you, 'til I call him back take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief. You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay since all from Earth return. But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over for teachers kind and true, And from the throngs that crowds life's lanes I have selected you! Now will you give him all your love nor think the labor vain, nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancy that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done" For all the joy the child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may, and for the happiness we've known, forever grateful we will stay.

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

(Author Unknown)

Sarah and I as well as our family, would like to thank everyone for all the support the past two days and through this entire process. Tristan has brought us so much joy and happiness during his short time on earth that our life will never be the same.

There is a story from today after the funeral that we would like to share with everyone. Sarah and I went to the cemetery or to see Tristan "in his bed" as we like to call it. When we pulled up we saw a dear friend of ours mother, looking over our angel. She could not make it to the funeral and wanted to see him. The grounds crew had his bed filled in and covered with his flowers. Everything looked amazing as Sarah and I sat on the bench talking about how great of a little man he was.

When we were leaving we spoke with the grounds crew for about 15 min. The caretaker told us that it was great to see the turnout we had at the cemetery and that it was the largest procession he has seen in the 30 years he has worked there. He said it was amazing to see that many people for an adult burial let alone an infants. He said people must really care for us and was proud to see so many young people mourning our loss. Sarah and I have always known we had an amazing group of friends and also an amazing family. Just when you think we could not feel any better we saw a deer and its two fawn in the woods across from Tristan's bed. The caretaker told us the deer like to hang out in the nearby woods throughout the year. There was no better sign from God and our little angel.

We know all of our supporters have been following daily on our blog. We will continue to update different poems and prayers as the days go. Feel free to post supporting comments and words of wisdom as they are very reassuring. Once we get the new site up and running we will let everyone know. Tonight give your children or a loved one a big hug for us. Just know although Tristan is no longer on earth with us, he will always be in our hearts and by your side in everything you do. You all have a personal guardian angel. His name is Tristan.