Sarah and I have posted before about taking "Me Time" and taking things "Day by Day". I received an email from someone that means a lot to me the other day that talks about "Me Time". The hard thing about our lives now is they are not complete. We go to work like other people, we come home like other people and we like to hang out like other people. We will go out to dinner or hang out with friends but inter-mingled with every conversation, are thoughts of Tristan. It is amazing how unfocused we are because our thoughts wander to "What if" and "I bet's". There will be a conversation and I will think "You know I bet Tristan would have loved that" or "You are going to the zoo, I wonder what animal would have been Tristan's favorite"? The most difficult thing is that this happens during 95% percent of conversations I have. Sarah has told me the same thing too. We do not go out often but when we do it doesn't feel the same and won't. I cannot "let myself go" by having some drinks. I don't know what my emotions would be in that situation and I am not ready to lose control. I can handle having a drink or two but people don't understand because they cannot. People cannot understand right now. I still have a very difficult time driving at night. The lights from the cars and reflections remind me of the morning Tristan returned to heaven and our drive home from Indy. So if I am out and it gets to be around 8:30 or when the sun starts to set I am quickly trying to end the conversation to get home before the sun goes down. It is things like this that I cannot explain and do not try. That is why we are trying to take "Me Time". We go see Tristan everyday after work. When the 3 of us are together I feel at peace. I do not let they day bring me down as I did before. I get frustrated but know life is short and I don't dwell on the small stuff. When Sarah and I are with Tristan we talk about our days and talk about time's we thought of Tristan and we talk and laugh about "I bet's". We both know he would have been very smart and have a lot of drive. Sarah is one of the smartest people I know and with the fight Tristan had in is short life I know he would have done anything to get the job done. Right now we are taking "Us Time". We are hanging out the 2 of us and when at all possible the 3 of us. So if you invite us to hang out or grab some food and we decline, don't take it as we don't want to but realize the time might not be right for us. Things will improve as time goes on we are told. The emptiness in our hearts will never go away or fill. That part is reserved for Tristan. I never want that to change.

We love you Tristan, please continue to watch over me and your mother.

Today I was asked a normally innocent and honest question. It was not the first time (and certainly not the last) when I have been asked this but I still do not know how to answer it.
"Do you have children?"
How do I answer that question? I asked David tonight, as we visited Tristan, if he had been asked that since our angel went to heaven. David said that he has not been asked this question yet, but he would answer a definite "Yes". So why is it that I have such a hard time knowing what to say and how much to say to anyone that asks? In my line of work I meet new people all the time and so this is a question that I face on a regular basis... and the last month has been no different.
Do I say yes and field an almost certain list of follow up questions (how many? how old? boy or girl?) which will certainly have to be followed with an explanation of the fact that my child is in heaven and not at home with his mom and dad. And there is either a very uncomfortable silence or another list of follow up questions or even a possible piece of well intended advice (none of which is pleasant). The other option is to say no I do not have any children, and feel the overwhelming guilt of virtually denying the existence of the best gift I have ever received. Is one right or wrong? How do you not make a person feel bad for asking this completely innocent question? Will it ever get easier? If only there was an instruction manual...

I still feel like a mom...my baby just happens to be an angel.

We get to another Sunday,just another sign that the work week is about to begin again. I unfortunately stopped coaching PAL this year because it was too hard for me. I could not give the boys my 100% therefore could not expect there 100% in return. I told them I would still be at team breakfasts and also all the games. They even dedicated the season for Sarah, I and Tristan which I thought was very nice and it shows how great the coaaches and parents truly are. I have a lot of people ask me how "I" or "We" are doing and I tell them we are doing well and taking it day by day. The only problem is I cannot explain to them how things are going because it is something no one else can comprehend. Even if they lost a loved one or child, they still don't know what I am going through just as I do not know what they were going through. We lost Tristan too early and we are the ones that's lives will never be the same. I say we are doing "well" because we are surviving during this time. Are days easy, no. Does it feel any different from when he first returned to heaven, no. Tristan is our son and will always be our son. Our lives are what have changed forever. There is no solution or remedy that can get us through this except God. We pray for ease of the day and for peace. But what I pray the most for is to have God give Tristan a kiss and tell him how much Sarah and I love him, and how proud we are of him. Earth is temporary. It is a lifetime interview to get in the best place imaginable. The only place where my family will truly be complete. Sarah and I aren't even half way through our interview. Our goals in life have remained the same. Now not only will we pass our help and encouragement but also Tristan's message too. We love you Tristan, keep watching over us.

Wonderful spirit of heavenly life,
aff the peace of the universe
is in your wistful gaze.
You bring to us a new awareness
of God in you.
And, therefore, of God in me.

-B.Milleson James

Tristan,

Happy 3 month B-Day today. Your mother and I miss you so much. All we want to do is give you a big hug and kiss and tell you how proud we are of you. We love you more than anything in this world and we know you are in heaven watching over us. You have changed so many people's lives down here and will continue to do so on the website we are making for you. I know you can hear our prayers and feel our cries but know we are not always sad. You touched our lives Tristan. We will never be the same. We watched the most remarkable child fight from the second he was born and watched him overcome things that no normal child could do. We are just proud to call this child our son. Your great aunt told us that in the catholic church anyone who dies and goes to heaven without sin is considered a Saint. Since you were baptized and did not sin that you would be considered a Saint. She told us that we can pray to you. You see Tristan you never stop amazing me. We love you and keep seeing the signs you have given us. They might be small but we see and recognize each one.

Thank you Tristan. You are our angel, we love you and miss you so much. Please continue to watch over us.

Love you,

Mom and Dad.

The great wonder of the universe is this:
I am peace and joy
I am love and faith
I am wisdom and hope and truth.
I am body and spirit
And the mind of God.
In your deepest heart of hearts you know
I am

-B. Milleson James

Although it doesn't feel like it today marks the one month anniversary of when Tristan received his angel wings. Sarah and I had a difficult night and even harder day today. I can tell you one thing for sure, if I said "It is getting easier", I would be lying. It is hard. Every single day it is hard. It is hard when everything you see and everything you do reminds you of someone that you love so much but cannot touch them or see them physically. Sarah and I were at church last night and saw children playing and looking at their parents as they had their arms around them. It makes me smile that they are happy but sad at the fact that our Tristan is not with us. We like to stay at home and relax at the end of the day and always stop by to see Tristan and walk around the cemetery talking about how work went and things that reminded us of Tristan. I have found I still have a difficult time driving at dark because of our long drive home from Indy one month ago today and also feel in my comfort zone when I am at home with Sarah. We did get a book from the Peyton Manning Children's Hospital today. This brought smiles to our faces because we have always felt both the Children's Hospital 9PICU) and the NICU worked as God's hands the entire time. God knew he needed the best and we feel we received the best care for our Tristan. It is a book of messages that we want to share with everyone. As you read these, think of our Tristan. And remember although we might cry because we miss him, we also have to smile as we look back at all he did in his short time with us. I have always been a busy person who was always on the move. The thing this has taught me the most is to take time for the ones you love. It might be a little later than you like to stay out or a little inconvenience but that 5 min stop or 15 minute travel could make someone's day. It might not be a favor someone needs but a "how was your day" or "how was work" will do the trick. And if you feel beat or stressed from your day just remember someone feels worse than you. Think of all the things you have going for you and the people who care about you. No one can take those things away. I know Tristan has made that evident in my life and I hope to pass on one of the many things he has taught me.

Life is but a stopping place,
A pause in what's to be,
A resting place along the road
To sweet eternity.
We all have different journeys,
Different paths along the way,
We all were meant to learn some thing.
But never meant to stay......
Our destination is a place
Far greater than we know.
For some, the journey's quicker,
For some, the journey's slow.
And when the journey finally ends,
We'll claim a great reward
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the Lord.

Your mom and I miss you Tristan. You are our world. Have sweet dreams tonight until we see you through the sunny sky tomorrow.

As each day passes we notice the world continues to move on. We have two wildly different worlds we live in now, but they make up one day. When we are at work things continue to get easier even though we think about Tristan all the time. Now when I think about him at work I don't get sad but I do miss him every time he crosses through my mind. When we get home is when it gets very difficult. I still break down nearly everyday after work or when I lay down for bed. When we come home we are mentally prepared to be there as a family, the only problem is one key part of our family is not here. I have started coaching PAL football again for the 5th year in a row. I am excited because my nephew will be playing for his first year with the team. I can't help but to look at all the boys on the team and think about my little Tristan growing up. A lot of those boys have been like my own. I have seen them grow for the past 4 years not just physically but mentally. I see them practice, struggling with minor drills and think about how hard Tristan fought the entire time he was with us. He wanted to be here but God needed another Angel. Tristan earned his wings with hard work and determination. It just happens his hard work was done in a hospital and his work was to power through his physical defects. When I think about what Tristan fought through and how he never gave up, it pushes me. I feel I can help people stay positive. I feel I can help anyone who needs it. Tristan's fight will not be forgotten. He has really taught me a lot about myself. I know he is just as proud of Sarah and I as we are of him. Our hearts now beat stronger because of our Angel Tristan.

Today was a day that I had been looking forward to for a while. As friends of mine know I play a lot of flag football and really enjoy it. Today was to be the first game Tristan could go to. Today was the day a proud father could look over at the sidelines and see his little boy. Today was different, although he was not physically there I know he was watching me just the same. It is still hard. The feelings of sorrow and the feelings of missing him are the same as they were the day he left us. The only difference is the feelings come at different times of the day. When we are busy we talk about Tristan and smile about things he did and things we think he would do as he grew older. However as soon as things slow down the realization comes in that he is gone and we will not get to see him grow older. Sarah and I miss our Tristan. We will be working on his garden the next couple days. We just hope he is as proud of us as we are of him. We love our angel.