I have been wanting to write something since Thanksgiving morning. But with so many things in my mind I just wasn't sure what to type. I am thankful for so many things, this year I was blessed with the greatest gift of all in our little prince Tristan. Sarah and I are being as strong as we can but the holidays are truly a tough task. It is unbelievable how something that happens every year can now be so different. We will just take it day by day as we have stated before. What seems to be the best for us is to stay home alone and spend time with each other. If I am having a tough day Sarah knows it. She can sense it as I can sense if she is too. I know on Thanksgiving she was trying to keep busy and when I start to get overwhelmed I just leave the room and do my own thing until I feel it's okay to go out with everyone else. If we do not hang out with friends this holiday do not take it personal. We have a lot on our plate right now and are just taking time with each other. I know everyone else has moved on but it still feels like it happened yesterday for us. We will never move on, just learn to cope with it. Tristan did get to see his first sprinkling of snow which is another thing I am not ready for. I just wish we could be with him as he saw it.


We love you Tristan.

Mom and Dad

"Each day do something to lift up another soul. Provide the helping hand to raise another to courage, faith, and health."

I read this quote the other day and I wanted to make sure I posted it on Tristan's site. At work I was the positive guy who helped "motivate" and "encourage". It has always been something I was good at doing. It is different now. I try to do the same thing but I feel fake now. I fake though my days at work just to get home to my real life. I spoke with a friend the other day who had lost a child. I told her "we feel like we live two lives now", and she agreed. One during the work day at which time I wear a force field that will not let my emotions show and at home where I can let my emotions go. We cannot go to a movie or grab some drinks with thinking about him the entire time. Even if during a conversation Tristan is not brought up, we link all words to him. We saw a movie last night and in it she spoke of being "lonely, feeling like there was a hole in her heart of emptiness". That's how I feel. I have so many friend and so many amazing family members that are always there for me but when it is the easiest is when its me and Sarah. It feels like you are standing in a dark field with the house in the back ground. You are near people but you feel isolated. It is like when your child leaves with some friends for a while and you worry about them until they get home. The only bad thing is he won't be coming home. It is just us alone until we go see him again. I pray that time in heaven is not existent. I pray that we have the hard time while the years pass and not Tristan. I hope 30 years here is equivalent to 10 seconds in heaven so to Tristan its like we never left his side. Something I told him I would never do.

We love you Tristan.

Mom and Dad

Sarah and I went to a nice memorial service yesterday at DO McComb which had this nice poem. It is very difficult to be at a service to honor people who have passed in the last year, especially when we are the only ones there with a lost child. Even though we feel alone at times when things like this happen it makes us feel even more isolated. I just want my Tristan....

I'm There Inside Your Heart

Right now I'm in a different place,
And though we seem apart,
I'm closer than I ever was...
I'm there inside your heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day
And while the sun shines bright.
I'm there to share the sunsets, too...
I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good,
To share a laugh or two,
And if a tear should start to fall...
I'll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me...
Forever in my heart.


We love you Tristan

Mom and Dad

Not a day goes by that we don't miss our Prince Tristan. Some days are just harder than others. Sweet dreams Tristan. When you wake we will be down here missing you. We love you.

Mom and Dad.

We found this poem online. A perfect poem about something we think about everyday.



Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?


I am not sure if I had mentioned this before but we did get Tristan's stone and it has been put in the ground. It turned out perfect and has a picture of him just enjoying life. Something I wish everyone could have witnessed.

I miss you Tristan. Watch over us during these hard times, especially during this holiday season. We love you.


Mom and Dad

Needless to say our first Halloween as parents did not go as expected. Sarah and I love Halloween and have always dressed for Halloween in the many years we have been married and even when we were dating. This year was different. It wasn't about Sarah and I dressing up, it was about Tristan and the children dressing up. So we decided to take a night and just relax and watch a movie. At church we were surprised when they read off all the St. Peter's family whom past away that year. Although Tristan was baptized in Indy we were very happy that he was considered "St.Peter's Family". There was a song that played during that service that sums up the way I have been feeling. The verse sings: No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the pow'r of Christ in me; From the life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand; 'Til He returns or calls me home, here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand!

I am not afraid to die. That also does not mean I want to and you should not be worried. But if something were to happen to me I know Tristan is up there. I don't have control, if I did Tristan would be here with us today. We can only try to be good people on earth. It is only part time. We will be judged by our actions by God and only God. Don't worry about what people say, there will always be bad days. You just have to take the positives to push through the negatives. Something that is not always easy to do.

Tristan baby, we love you.

Love,

Mom and Dad