Job 1:21 (New International Version)

21 and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart. [a]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

This is a passage that I found off a blog I read. A blog that has been written by a couple not too different than us who is going through the pain that we are going through. I stay up to date with several infant loss blogs. I feel it is easier to relate to them at this stage in my life. Their son only lived for 2 days. Tristan lived for 54. One of the hardest things for me, especially when my mind plays tricks on me is the fact that I was never able to change Tristan's diaper or take a family photo. I thank God everyday for the time we had with Tristan but what if the scenario's were different. What if we only had Tristan for 2 days? How would this change our grieving? One of the ways Sarah and I stayed strong when Sarah was in Indy and I was here was using the "Someone out there has it worse than us right now, we have to thank God for the gift of Tristan, because some people cannot have children." This life takes interesting twists and turns. I am currently sick and I have noticed my pain of loss is greater when I am sick. My body and mind cannot shake the bad thoughts and overcome them as fast as they enter my brain. All I can do is pray things will get better. I am reading a book called 90 minutes in Heaven. It is about a gentleman that was in a serious car accident and pronounced dead for 90 minutes until he regained a pulse. It is about his short time in Heaven and about his struggles from that point forward. I like to read about people's perspective of Heaven because like every good father we want to see life through our child's eyes and know they are safe. I know Tristan is safe with God and one day we will reunite. I just pray we don't have to go through Hell on earth until the day we are taken to Heaven. I pray for God to ease our hearts until that day.

We love you sweet prince Tristan.

Mom and Dad

Death of a Child
by Sandy Eakle

Sorry I didn't get to stay.
To laugh and run and play.
To be there by your side.
I'm sorry that I had to die.

God sent me down to be with you,
to make your loving heart anew.
To help you look up and see
Both God and little me.

Mommy, I wish I could stay.
Just like I heard you pray.
But, all the angels did cry
when they told little me goodbye.

God didn't take me cause He's mad.
He didn't send me to make you sad.
But to give us both a chance to be
a love so precious .. don't you see?

Up here no trouble do I see
and the pretty angels sing to me.
The streets of gold is where I play
you'll come here too, mommy, someday.

Until the day you join me here,
I'll love you mommy, dear.
Each breeze you feel and see,
brings love and a kiss from me.


We miss you Tristan baby. Visit us in our dreams.

Love you Mommy and Daddy

Time plays tricks on us. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we were in the hospital and sometimes it feels like it was years ago. One thing for sure is that the feeling of Tristan being gone is definitely here. Today was another important date. One of many dates to come. One of many dates that should not be an anniversary but a Monday in January. This is part of our life. Our life is about each other no matter what people think. Sarah and I grow closer every single day. I still wonder how I survived with Sarah and Tristan in Indy for so long with me by myself. I could not do it again that is for sure. I see Tristan in Sarah with every look and every blink. This is one of the many signs that Tristan is with us and that God wants us to know he is safe.

A quote from a book I am reading called Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom:

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

We love you Tristan,

Mom and Dad

Selfish

I'm selfish in my grief.

They say
that I should tuck it far away
and blunt the anguish in my soul
with fancy words and casseroles
and talk of games and ceiling fans
and will it rain and future plans
and carry on and on and on ...
but wretched tears still greet the dawn
of brave new day
now that you're gone.

I'm selfish in my grief.

They say,
you're in a better place today
oh no! how can they trivialize
the passions that we realized
and didn't? and what better place
than the rapturous embrace
of love's delight, our fiery flight
together, to fantastic heights?

And selfish, yes, so I shall be!
I ache to have you here with me
I cry for you - your flashing gaze
your tender touch; enchanted days
when we were one.

My selfish grief and memories
are all that stay
now that you're gone.

By M.J. Holliday

Happy New Year Tristan. Let the angels sing until we meet again.

Love you always,

Mom and Dad