This week there have been many signs Tristan is watching over us. The biggest sign is his rose bush. We had received a white rose bush from good friends of ours with a little plaque honoring Tristan. This week the roses bloomed for the second time. And not just one rose but 13 buds. Not all have bloomed in full yet but we think this is a sign that both God and Tristan are letting us know that he is okay up in heaven.

We also received a wonderful decorative box filled with some of Tristan's things from the nurses at the NICU unit. They will never truly understand how much they mean to our family. Tristan had angels on earth and it was the nurses, doctors and surgeons at the St. Vincent hospital in Indy.

A card from a special family memeber:

Sharing in Your Sorrow

I know this time of grief
is so difficult for you,
And thinking of you hurting
makes my heart hurt too.
We can never really know
how another feels.
I only hope you know
that my concern for you is real.
I just wish there was something
more that I could do
To take away the sorrow
that is weighing down on you.
Although I cannot change things,
this I can extend-
my loving thoughts, my heartfelt prayers
for you, my special friend.

We love you and miss you Tristan. Please watch over us.

Love,

Mom and Dad

We love you Tristan. We miss you every moment of every day. Continue to watch over us and pray for us. Tristan Happy 4 months from your mom and dad.

Have sweet dreams my son. We love you.

My Little Angel

I felt your presence there inside of me,
nestled soft and warm;
Sweet scent of baby's breath,
precious words left unadorned.

I saw your tiny heartbeat,
then I knew that you were fine;
A perfect baby we created,
one that would be mine.

Then that tragic day it came
there was nothing I could do,
Only wait and hope
for the precious life of you.

Yes in the beginning
your daddy was afraid;
Only he would love you unconditional
and never run away.

He loved you more this I do know,
as he cried for you that day,
When the doctor said that you were gone,
daddy wanted you to stay.

He would have held you close to him,
and see your perfect form,
A gift of daddy's love,
would have kept you safe and warm.

Only now you are an angel over me
beautiful and bare,
My heart would hurt if you cried for me
and mommy was not there.

Still we are together in my heart and memories,
You are still a part of my memory.

Rest gentle now 'sweet baby' there is no pain
you are never alone,
I know you are with the guiding angels
in you peaceful home.

I will come with you someday
only now is not my time,
Then we will be together again
again you will be mine.

(c) 1998 Rhonda All Rights Reserved

Sometimes I forget to just say thank you.

Thank You everyone for your support and prayers. We appreciate every single one.

This is an email that Sarah had received a long time ago. It means so much more after having our angel Tristan.

The Heart

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began,
"I'll open up your heart..."


"You'll find Jesus there," the boy
interrupted.

the surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll
cut your heart open," he continued,
to see how much damage has been
done..."

"but when you open up my heart, you'll
find Jesus in there," said the boy.

The surgeon looked to the parents, who
Sat quietly. "When I see how much
damage has been done, I'll sew your
heart and chest back up, and I'll plan
what to do next."

"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The
Bible says He lives there. The
hymns all say He lives there. You'll
find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell
you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood
supply, and weakened vessels.
And I'll find out if I can make you well."

"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives
there."

The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery,"...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.

No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy:
painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:
here he paused, "death within one year.."


He stopped the recorder, but there was
more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.

"Why did You do this? You've put
him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"

The Lord answered and said, "The boy,
my lamb, was not meant for your
flock for long, for he is a part of My
flock, and will forever be.

Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine.

His parents will one day join him here,
and they will know peace, and
My flock will continue to grow.."

The surgeon's tears were hot, but his
anger was hotter. "You created that
boy, and You created that heart. He'll
be dead in months. Why?"

The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb,
shall return to My flock, for He has
done his duty: I did not put My lamb
with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."

The surgeon wept...

The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's
parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"

"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the
surgeon.

- Author Unknown


We miss you Tristan. Sleep tight my son.

One of the books Sarah and I are reading had a chapter about how after you lose a child your life becomes split. There is "Before Tristan" and "After Tristan". Sarah and I are the same people on the outside but on the inside we are different. Things will never be the same but we will grow stronger. This week Sarah and I received 2 different messages that touched on the same subject. "We were going to send you something, but we didn't want you to think of Tristan and stop your progress on moving on." After reading something like this your first response is "Why", then you get angry and finally you end up just telling yourself "They are just trying to help."
Today marked 2 months since Tristan passed. During a tough morning before work I mentioned to Sarah that it is hard to accept that he has now been gone longer than he was with us. That is not an easy subject to think about when you are getting ready to leave for work. Our hearts were heavy all day. We were both busy at work which helps us get through. There is still no better feeling than coming home and hanging out with Sarah. I feel at ease with her and I know she feels the same. I wish Tristan was here to see true love and grow older in a loving family. Sarah and I talked about when we lost Tristan we lost our dreams. When Sarah was pregnant we talked about the future and all the things we would do as we grew older with our child. Not knowing if it was a boy or girl gave us more time to play things out in our minds. When Tristan was born you could close your eyes and almost see him grow older years at a time. I could see his first t-ball game and his first girlfriend. I could see Sarah and I hugging him for his first report card and taking him to the lake. Those dreams cannot take place anymore. Tristan is not with us physically. Try driving in your car and listening to the radio. You hear a song and think, "the first time I heard this I was with my dad on a road trip" or some other situation that you remember as a kid. When I think of these situations a hundred times a day the it goes from that to "I bet Tristan would have loved to go fishing", or "You know I think Tristan would have liked rock music too." Life After Tristan is difficult and will never be ordinary. Just remember we will always think of Tristan in every conversation. He is part of us and part of our world. Don't be afraid to talk about him with us. He is our son, our angel, and every time our heart beats we can feel him. We cherish the 54 days we had with him. I just wish we could cherish one more....

I wanted to post one more time today. As we walked around at Tristan's bed as we do everyday I thought about my post. I did not intend to scare people from talking to us about Tristan. In fact the only thing worse than poorly chosen comments (and well intended) is no comment at all. We love to talk about Tristan just as you would talk about a child of your own. Don't be scared or nervous.

After you have a child you expect those "sleepless nights" that everyone talks about. Sarah and I have those sleepless nights too but as you know they are a little different. We take turns reading a chapter out of a book and praying each night before bed. We have gone through one book a friend of ours gave us and are speeding through the next. One was called "God is in the tough stuff" which was good an uplifting but the current one we are reading is from a mother who lost a daughter at 2 months. Things hit home a little more in this book. We read a chapter last night about birthdays for a child who is no longer on earth. It hit us especially hard to read this but helped at the same time. It is nice to see how she dealt and deals with things and the perspective she heard from other people is the same we hear. No matter how many times we hear people say it will "get better" or imply that you have to "tough through it". Well here is the thing, until this happens to you DO NOT tell me it will get easier because you have no idea what I we going through. I am not angry and no one in particular said this but that is how I feel. I cannot help the fact that I put up a shield all day just to get home and break down. I need that. I need the emotions to come out. I cannot touch Tristan's head and tell him I love him or give him a kiss goodnight. I do all my communications through prayer and looking up at the sky just hoping that God will bless us with a glimpse of Tristan in our dreams. When we read this book it makes us feel at home knowing someone else feels what we feel. We both tried to read and had to take turns as we just couldn't read because we were so emotional. I took religion for granted growing up and through most of my life and it took tragedies such as this to bring Sarah and I closer to God. After the miscarriage we began to pray more and visit church. We took religion more serious and the love for each other more serious. I can honestly say now that God is a main focus in my life. He game me Sarah, he gave me my family and friends. He gave me my son Tristan. I owe him more than any tangible item and the only way I can show him my love and appreciation is to lead by example of what he teaches. I have rambled on in this post and did not intend it to be angry or fierce but when my mind wanders these are the different thoughts. There has to be anger, there has to be grief. That is the only way we can truly appreciate. I just wish I could appreciate my life with Sarah and Tristan here on earth. I could use that right now.

This was a song from Mondays church service. Sarah and I both talked about it immediately following on the way to the car. You will have to imagine how it is sung. Sorry.

Make Me a Servant (sing twice)

Make me a servant, humble and meek
Lord, let me lift up, those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be:
Make me a servant, make me a servant,
Make me a servant, today.

As tonight draws to a close, it is the end of a much needed 4 day weekend for David and I. We began the weekend with our 5 year anniversary on Friday. We both had long weeks at work and did not have the time or energy to do anything big to celebrate. On Saturday we had the privilege of going to see two friends of ours get married. For those of us that are married, weddings usually bring back memories of our own big day and Saturday was not different. However, this wedding was extra special because our dear friends chose to honor Tristan's memory along with the memories of their family members. This meant the world to David and I. Their reception was one of the few times we have 'been out' in the evening since losing Tristan. It is still an awkward feeling but it was nice to spend time with friends and do something 'normal'.
On our days off we were able to do many things around the house and just spend some time together. Today was especially nice because David and I renewed our wedding vows. Some of you may know that we had always wanted to do that on our 5th anniversary, however we had just given up on that idea in light of the last few months. I don't know what it was but this weekend we decided it was as important as ever to renew our love and commitment to each other. Our pastor was so kind as to agree to do this on one days notice. We also felt it was very important that Tristan be there with us, so we renewed our vows at the cemetery with Tristan close by in his bed. It is crazy to look back at all that we have been through in the last 5 years and we believe that we are that much stronger for it. I have a much clearer understanding of exactly what we promised each other on our Big Day and I cannot tell you what it meant to make those promises again today. We hope Tristan is as proud of us as we are of him. We are better people because of our little guy and intend to spread the positivity from his actions to anyone that will listen. We miss you Tristan.

Dear Lord please hold Tristan tight and give him a kiss for us. Just as we would be doing if he were down here with us.

We love you Tristan. Thank you.