It seems like it has been such a long time since I have posted here, not since I was still pregnant and living with my parents.  BOY! am I glad that part if over with!  Pregnancy and I just don't seem to mix well.  The outcome is marvelous, though!

 

The twins were 2 months old on Sunday.  Their life certainly has gone a lot faster than the pregnancy with them.  And, I have never been so exahausted and sleep deprived in my life.  They have started sleeping a little longer at night, but unfortunately, it's not always at the same time.  Just when I think we are starting to get into a schedule/routine, they prove me wrong.  I guess they don't want me getting too comfortable in this new job position of being a mom of twins.

 

They have each gained over 3 pounds and grown over 3 inches since we brought them home, but they are still little.  I just packed up all of their preemie clothes and they are now wearing the newborn size.  They also just graduated into size 1 diapers.  The newborn size still fit them, but we need the absorbancy of the size 1's. 

 

Gabby seems to like being a big sister, but at the same time is feeling a little bit neglected, I think.  She seems to go deaf about the time I am nursing a baby or two and really can't get up to follow through with what I am saying.  But, she is also 3 and a half.  She still is my precious baby girl, even though she has grown up so much.

 

We have decided to stay at our church.  Sometimes my hurt feelings come back because I still feel so alone, but there have also been so many people who have been so kind.  I still don't have anyone I can count on for help besides my parents and hubby, Brian.  People that I know that would help me live too far away, and people that live close that might help work full time or have young children themselves and aren't able to.  I told someone that any help I could get is better than no help at all.  Being a mom of twins and a 3 1/2 year old is hard work, especially when my husband works nights and sleeps days...during those times, it's just me to manage, and it's not always easy.  I just haven't been sure where to ask for help, as sometimes I could really use some.  I am still praying for that "best friend" that I have always longed for...someone who would kind of be like the sister that I never had....someone I could go to and someone I could count on when I needed someone.  I just have never felt like I had someone like that.  There have been times and people that I thought I had found that kind of friend, but I was mistaken. 

 

I am sitting here with Savannah on my lap.  I just looked down at her to put her Binkie back in her mouth and I just noticed that she has eyelashes!  Before, when they were born, they didn't look like they had any, and I guess I just hadn't noticed that they have come in.  They are very light in color and long and pretty like Gabby's.  I will have to look at Olivia and see if she has some, too, now.  I also see some eyebrows, and they are very very light, too...so light that they seem to blend in with her skin.  My mom thought these girls might end up being blondes, and she may be right.  Their hair definitely has a reddish cast to it, though.  You can only see it in sunlight, though.  The strange thing is that my hair tends to take on a reddish cast right after I have been pregnant.  WEIRD!  I have never had reddish hair before, other than after having Gabby.  I used to be very blonde, but it's turned into dark blonde as I neared and then got into my 30's.

 

Brian, again, is such a good daddy.  I don't think I could ask for better.  Some people feel sorry for him surrounded by a house full of girls, but if you ask me, I think he likes it!  It will be interesting when our girls are teenagers, though.  I honestly don't know if I could imagine him with a son...and I guess that's a good thing, because unless we are in the 2% of failed tubal ligations, we are done having children.  This body of mine just can't handle anymore pregnancies.

 

As I sign off, I just want to say that I do certainly feel blessed.  I feel so rich.  I do have everything I have every really wanted and needed.  Our needs have always been met and I have a wonderful hubby and daughters.  Monetarily we are not rich, as we are really struggling in that aspect.  Right now our expenses exceed our income, but I have faith that we will be ok.  God will supply all of our needs.  I had been praying for God to help provide us with diapers, as that is a big expense.  So far, with gifts, gift cards, sales and coupons, we have done ok....just hoping for that new job for Brian to arrive so that at least our income will hopefully equal our expenses, but I do think God has more in store for us than that.

 

No matter what our struggles and trials, we must turn to the One who created us.  He loves us so much that He hung on the cross and died for us.  He knows every hair on our heads and knows our joys and pains.  May I always thank God for all I have and all I am, for I would be NOTHING without Him!  Thank you, Lord, for the roof over our heads, the food in our bellies and that our needs have been taken care of.  Thank you for blessing me with parents that care and that are there for me.  Thank you for my loving husband and for the wonderful father that he is to our children.  Thank you for my poodles, for they help show me your unconditional love and are some of my best friends here on earth.  Thank you for the wonderful Christian friends that you have brought me through my love of poodles that live all over the country.  Thank you for a loving youth pastor that I had going through some horrid teenage years that helped keep me on the right path, and please be with him and his family right now.  Thank you Lord, for everything.  I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind!

 

 

This pregnancy has been quite the journey....it sure has seemed like a long one.  I sure hope I have learned some things along the way.  I sit here in my last days of ever being pregnant...Creating a child with the man you love and having it grow in your belly is an amazing miracle.  I don't know how people could have children and not believe in God, Our Heavenly Father.  I am trying to relish the enjoyable parts...It has been hard to do that along this journey.  I am trying to memorize the feeling of two babies moving around inside me, even though it's getting pretty squished and uncomfortable in this body of mine...the way it feels when they have the hiccups...watching my tummy roll in waves and touching my blossomed round belly to try and figure out which parts are pushing on me.  Oh the blessings that children bring.  My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and love for these two precious little bundles that God has entrusted Brian and I with. 

 

I was asked today if I was nervous.  The question ended up being about the c-section, but being nervous about their upcoming birth has never even popped into my mind.  I would say that I am excited, ready and anxious to know how it feels to hold not just one, but two sweet little girls in my arms and look into their precious little faces.  I remember the day Gabby was born....it was one of the best days in my life (the other day was our wedding day.)  I couldn't put her down because I couldn't stop looking at her thinking, "she looks so familiar!" :o)  It makes my cup runneth over.  I know I will be very busy, especially in their first few months of life.  Nursing them will add to that, but it is so important to me.  When I think about nursing my newborns, I can see a smile on God's face....it's just what He has in store for us.  It's so natural and bonding and the best start in life that I can give them besides praying for them.  I know it will be challenging to figure it all out (especially the sleep part - for me) in the beginning, but I am determined.  For those that truly know me, there is no stopping me when I get something in my head.  

 

I am also excited for Gabby to meet her new baby sisters.  We have been talking about them for months.  She really seems to like babies and is really sweet and giving to them.  I know it's different when you just see them and when two move into your house and take over your parents.  Brian, Mom and Dad and I are all very conscious of not wanting Gabby to feel left out.  I know it will take a little more effort on our parts with their being two babies, but we will do our absolute best to make sure she feels a part of things.  She still is and always will be my baby girl, even though I will have two more.  She has added such light, life and joy into all of our lives. 

 

I already knew that my parents were pretty terrific, but I just can't say what all they have done for us has meant.  They have taken in Gabby and I for 2.5 months and have totally taken care of us.  Believe me, in the beginning, especially, it wasn't easy.  It was a real adjustment and Mom was so exhausted.  She is still tired at the end of every day, but we have all settled into a routine, and it works.  They have really enjoyed getting to spend all this time with Gabby...like I said, she is joy, light and life.  She keeps us smiling every day.  Dad doesn't even seem to have liked it the few nights we were able to go and spend at home.  I'm not sure if it was Gabby-withdrawl or if he was just worried about me and what could happen.  After all, I am his little girl, and Gabby is mine.  Gabby and Paw-Paw have a very special bond like I used to when I was a little girl.  I can just see it now....Paw-Paw with a lap full of my 3 girls....I know it will happen. 

 

There are still times I can't believe I have made it this far...35 weeks and 1 day today to be exact.  It's only because of the loving sacrifice of my parents that I have made it thus far.  They came home from warm Texas when they weren't quite ready to and took us on.  That enabled me to just concentrate on eating and resting...those became my main jobs in life and I am in so much better shape than I was 2.5 months ago.  I am still weak, can't get around that well, and tire easily, but I have color in my face and can do more than I could before.  The biggest blessing is that I don't have those fainting spells anymore.   The other big thing that has kept me and the twins going is lots and lots of prayer.  I know that prayers all over the United States and Austrailia have been said for us.  I have a strong network of poodle friends who have strong faiths and are praying and having their churches and friends pray for us.  People at my church have also been praying.  That has been the strength that has carried us through.  I sure wish I lived closer to some of them....they have really been a great support to me, especially when I did not have a support system at home before my parents came back.  Even though I have been here for 2.5 months (at their house) I still have a group of supporters in my poodle friends all over the country and in others.  They send me cards or e-mails of encouragement, and have even called me.  The call that was the farthest away has been from Perth, Austrailia, and this friend has called a handful of times. 

 

I am still unsure as what I am supposed to have learned about my church situation.  Mom told me that she thinks that people didn't reach out to me because I had family that they thought should be helping me....but my parents were in Texas and not able to help me.  I guess people thought they should be home to be here for me, so no one really helped...that, and some people didn't know I needed help.   There were a few things that were done and were greatly appreciated, but I was a sinking ship and had no one to help throw me a life preserver.  I really struggled with that for the longest time and didn't even want to show up at my church for a while.  Some time has now passed and I have healed some, but am still uncertain about what we should do.  I visited another church, that I really really like and the pastor has visited me a few times and is even planning on being at the hospital when the twins are born.  I never got that type of support from my own church.  I have wondered if it is time to move on or not.  Yes, there are lots of wonderful people in my church....but when you have no one, and need help, and your church family can't be there for you, who will?  I was in a lonely place most of this pregnancy with being so ill.  And even now I don't hardly get out of the house, I can't.  God?  Are you trying to teach me to just rely upon you?  Will I ever have good friends that would be there for me if I ever needed them?  My parents are really the only people, besides Brian, that I have ever been able to count on....what happens when they leave this earth someday?  Will I feel really lost?  Lord, please help me to be who you want me to be...use me...develop me...mold me.  Lord I especially pray for guidance in raising the three little girls that you have given to Brian and I.  Help us to raise them to know You, to Love you, to serve You...I pray that Your Light and Your Love will shine in our lives so that others might see You.   Help us to be more like you, Lord.  Be the Leader in our home.  I honor You and give You the glory for all that we are and all that we have....we would be nothing without You, Lord.  Lead us to where you want us to go.  I also pray for Brian's job and future job search after the girls arrive and we know everyone is ok.  Lord, please bring the right job to us and let us know and feel peace when we have found the right one.  Help us to use all of our resources wisely and pleasing to You.  Lord, right now I ask that You wrap Your loving arms around Brian.  Comfort him, give him peace and calm about all the upcoming changes in his family.  Lord I pray that it will be a joy and enlightenment and not a burden of worry as to how we are going to be able to survive and make it in this world.  Lord, You have never failed us yet.  You have always provided and I know You will continue to provide.  Lord, I trust you and I put my family into Your loving hands.  For you always know better than we do.  Bless the end of this pregnancy, and I thank You, Lord, for the miracle of life.  Be with all of us in these last weeks and I pray that You will be evident to all in the birth of the twins.  I love You, Lord....and I lift my voice.  To worship You, oh, my soul - rejoice.  Take Joy, my King....in what You hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound, in Your ear. 

 

Last, but not least....I have to say some words about my dear husband, Brian.  He has been living at home for 2.5 months without his "girls."  I know that has to be horribly hard on him.  He hasn't liked living the bachelor life again, but knows we didn't have any other choice.  When I really realized just how hard it had to be on him was when Gabby went to my brother and sister-in-laws for the weekend.  It was so quiet here without her...deafeningly quiet.  I knew she was having a blast and that it's good for her to have outings and get away, too, with other people that love her, but it sure didn't stop me from missing her.  Then I got to thinking how Brian has been without her, and me, for 2.5 months and how hard that must be.  Brian doesn't always say a lot, but when I asked him, I thought he almost teared up.  (I am sitting here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it.)  He said it was really hard but that we were all doing what we had to do.  Boy will we all be glad when we can all 5 be reunited at home after the girls are born.  Brian misses Gabby and I, and we really miss him.  Thank you Lord for giving me such a loving husband and father to my children.

I can hardly believe I have made it this far.  I do feel like I have been pregnant for 3 years.  I know I have only made it this far with the help of my parents.  Gabby and I came to stay here on March 30, 2006, so we've been here 2 months.  My main job now is to eat, rest and incubate.  I can't do very much because I tire so easily.  It's hard to get out of bed, get out of a chair or just plain stand up sometimes.  I really don't think I would be to this point without the loving sacrifice of my parents.  It was a big change for them from coming from Texas for the winter living in their 5th wheel to coming home and caring for 2 extra people in their house.  I told them that they are going to think it's really quiet when we leave.   

 

Mom and Dad pretty much take care of Gabby.  I step in when I can and feel up to it.  She really loves her grandparents and they are really close.  She hasn't seemed to mind being here, but she does LOVE it when we go home.  We got to spend the night there Thursday night.  It was the first time she got to sleep in her new room and new bed.  She really loves her room.  She went and got in her bed before it was even time to go.  She drank her milk there while daddy read her a story or two.  She is a happy child anyway, but Thursday night and Friday morning at home she seemed REALLY happy.  She does seem excited about her new baby sisters. 

 

Brian has also had huge adjustments.  I don't think he enjoys living the bachelor life again at all.  I imagine the house is pretty quiet and lonely, even if he does have 2 of the poodles there with him.  He will have another big adjustment when we come home, because then there will be 4 more of us.  He never seems to sleep well when we aren't home. 

 

I am feeling really crowded and cramped in this body....it sure feels like we are running out of room.  One of the girls keeps pushing on my right hipbone and ribcage...not sure if it's the same girl or not.  I can't seem to eat much at one time...just running out of room.  I did gain 2 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  Gaining some is better than gaining none or losing, but I do think I should be gaining a little more, but what can I do? 

 

This pregnancy has been pretty lonely.  Yes, my parents are here most of the time, but I just can't get out and go.  In fact, I haven't even driven in over 2 months.  I did try Thursday night.  I got in the van and drove a few blocks uptown to get some ice cream.  It was scary...not sure why...I have always been the driver in the family and really don't like being a passenger, but I just didn't feel like I should be driving.  I do occassionally get a call from a friend or two, and have had a few visitors, but really not that often.  I guess when you are out living life, it seems like time is scarce, but for someone who is pretty much housebound, I have all the time in the world, although most of it is spent resting.  Pretty soon this time in my life will be over and I will be busier than I have ever been.  I won't have time to feel lonely.  I do keep praying for the Lord to send me a tangible friend.  I do have some really good friends, unfortunately they don't live anywhere close where I can actually see them regularly.  I don't just want a friend, though...I want the right kind of friend.  Someone who we both can be a positive encouragement to one another and can share woman and motherly things and just share the daily things we go through.  Someday I will have a friend like that....I will just keep waiting. 

 

Well, I'm going to end this here...I don't seem to have much concentration lately. 

Well, I am now 28 weeks pregnant....it feels more like 2 years.  This one has really been a rough one.  Last month I ended up in the hospital 5 times in 2 weeks.  I ended up having to call my parents and tell them that they had to come home now!, dr's orders.  He told me I wasn't allowed to be alone the rest of my pregnancy that I either had to stay with someone or someone had to stay with me.  They spent 3 long days  driving back home.  My aunt Jean came to stay with me a couple days to help until they got here.  Gabby and I have been staying with my parents ever since.  We get to see Brian about once a week.

 

Taking care of Gabby and I is really wearing my mom out.  But I don't know what I'd do without my parents....I pretty much had zero help before they came back.  Brian tried to do all he could, but he still had to work and sleep.  He was wore out, too, and trying to do what I had to just to get by totally was wearing out my body.  If I would have kept that up, these twins would have ended up coming WAY too soon.  Plus, there was no way I could have kept it up.  I kept having fainting episodes, which I am no longer having since I have help to take care of me and Gabby. 

 

When you go through hard times in life, you learn who your friends are.  I found out that I really don't have many...at least not ones that live anywhere close.  When you go through such a rough time, it really makes you feel like you don't have any.  I am told how I will need help once the twins come home, but it will mostly be mom and Brian...I could hardly find someone to take me to the hospital when I needed to go those 5 times in 2 weeks.  My online poodle friends have been some of the most supportive people of all - from California, Wyoming to Austrailia.        

 

Wow!  We just had our ultrasound on Wednesday.  Brian said as soon as she put the probe to my belly, he saw two babies and thought, "huh?" (I couldn't really see the screen very well)  Then the tech asked me if I had been measuring large.  I told her that Dr. Smith hadn't said anything, but I thought I was large.  I said, "Why?  Is there more than one?"  She told me she was still looking.  I said that I thought I was a lot bigger than I was with my daughter, that at 20 weeks with my daughter, no one could tell I was even pregnant, but me.  I also said that I also knew I had already stretched out those abdominal muscles and that I know you show sooner with second children.  I had also wondered a time or two if I was having twins, especially last week when I felt kicks at two opposite ends of my belly at the same time.  I told her then I thought I was either having twins or I was loosing mind.  We ARE having twins and they are girls!!  They are in separate sacs, which is better for them, but it looks as if they are sharing one placenta, which means it's very possible that they are identical. 

 

Brian and I were both in shock for a couple days.  Now, 2 days later, the shock has worn off and I am just tickled pink....X 2!!!  I remember as a little girl wanting to have twin girls...identical twin girls, even.

 

I am sleepy tonight, so I will write more about it another day (I think!)